Welcome to the Junction, Megs. Nice to have you here. Take a moment to write a brief introduction over in the Introductions section, so that folks can welcome you properly 🙂

You will have noticed that it took a little while for your first post to appear. This is because first posts need moderation. It's an anti-spam thing. Future posts should appear straight away, although sometimes the second post also needs moderation - not quite sure why.

Hi,

Might help you to do a small "STORYBOARD", write a few paragraphs that might describe what the "scene" (as if you are directing a movie) might help. Most of songwriting is imagining a scenario. and filling in the details, often there is some truth in it, but never let the facts get in the way of a good story. And you don't always have to wrap something up in a neat package, you could leave the ending sort of ambiguous, but it would be nice to get a sense of the overall direction you are going in and of course what got you to this point. 

Different people go in different ways. Just try to experiment. But if you have been stuck for a while, it might be a way to help the log jam. For my self and people I have dealt with over my life, professional writers, sometime it is good to go on to other songs, get different types of songs, and learn some things, then come back and review it with a little more fresh experiences. We learn with each song, and sometimes we get too bogged down by being too close to a song. Might need to get some distance and perspective and that might help clear out the cobwebs.

MAB

Hi Megs. Are you addressing Death in this song, as you suggest with your note on the fourth line? Are the other verses addressed to Death too, as if he is a friend/lover? Or are you shifting perspective and addressing someone else in the following verses? I don't think that the fact that you are addressing Death will register with a listener. It makes sense when it's pointed out, as you do, but it's not the most obvious interpretation.

You have chosen a difficult subject. Obviously, it's something very important to you, but it's hard to express this kind of thing in a way that will draw people in. For me, the most powerful lines are these, where you directly appeal to the listener:

I need somebody to help me, help me,

Somebody to save me, save me

Please?

For the rest, I would concentrate on a few things.

Provide a little context

Provide some situational detail - where is the singer, what objects are around her? There's a reason for that well worn cliche of the whiskey bottle on the table in front of the singer. It puts us there with him/her. (I am not suggesting you use that particular picture)

Not sure if this is your style, but a little dark humor works in this kind of song. It shows the singer fighting back, laughing in the face of the sadness. Think of how you would react in a conversation to someone who displays those characteristics rather than just reciting his/her troubles. MAB (as well as others) is fond of saying that you should imagine a song as a conversation. I think that is sound advice.

Add some action. This could be in the missing second verse. Have the singer get up and go on with her day, all the while fighting her depression. "And so I get up, put on my coat, walk out the door into another day..." That sort of thing.

I like the chorus best in this lyric. It flows well and appeals directly to the listener in a heartfelt way. Like you, I'm not so sure about the bridge. Firstly because it has the word "pain" in it, which is a pet peeve of mine because it's overused and because the best songs don't have to use it at all - they show the pain without having to come out and use the word. Secondly, the bridge is a good place to introduce a change, both musically and lyrically. This might be the place to add the action I describe above, maybe using verse 2 to describe her doing something inside the house and the bridge to actually move her outdoors.

To address your last question, collaboration does happen here. In fact, if you look at the recent posts, you'll see some happening now. Take a little while to get to know people here. Don't be afraid to jump in with suggestions or comments on others' posts. That's the way to build relationships 🙂

Young people typically write about Death as they develop a philosophy of life. 
But that's a 'philosophical' concept that, for me, doesn't translate well in Song. Poetry, yes. Song, no. In poetry the 'reader' can go back over a word, a Line, re-read to 'get' the message, receive the communication sent. But in a Song Lyric the singer has to 'send' so the listener 'receives' the first time, even if it takes them a while to get nuances of meaning in what the words are really saying. 
So I'd recommend, if you're writing about Death, don't. If someone can figure out that 'angle' from the Lyric, that's up to them. But it seemed more interesting when I imagined the Singer-Character, in anguish, knocking on someone's door with the expectation that there is empathy, sympathy, help, support to be found when the door opens. Can you adjust your conceptualization of the Storyline to write it that way? Or is it important that it be addressing Death (capital letter) as a Character, a reality?

[Verse I]

Life ain't always what it seems to be! (I use punctuation to indicate the emotion of Lines.)

Why is the universe so constantly mean? (Do you need the word 'constantly'? Would it flow better without it?)

Tell me why I'm cryin', cryin', cryin', (Verse I Line 3 sets a pattern I would expect in other Verses, three Repetitions of a two-Syllable/Note word/words.)

and knockin' on your front door. {<- In which case it refers to death} ('Death', capital D, 'your', a persona to whom one might speak. Or, a friend who one might go to in a crisis?)

[V1 cont.?] (At this point a Song-Writer makes a judgment, the concept of 'Enough'. Has 'Enough' exposition of the Storyline been done to get on to the Chorus? Not Enough? Too Much?)

[Chorus] (You get quickly to the Chorus, with a short, 4-Line Verse, which is good Structure, under the "Rule": "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!"
You seem to have sensed that Verse I had done 'Enough' exposition of the Storyline and it is 'time' to get to the point.)

So, I'm asking you:

Am I worth it? (To Death? Or to a friendly Character?)

Do you love me? (Death? Or?)

Can I trust you? (Trust Death? One should always ask whether another Human being can be trusted. Often people confide in someone who has no vested interest in their plight, their secrets, and betrays them with indifference, ridicule, blabbing it all over town. Look how rich for ideas that concept is, and how limited addressing these questions to Death as a Character is. Death can only be 'trusted' to come, in its own time, like Taxes! Oh! And pizza.)

Will you set me free? (Here I get the concept. Death seems like an escape from life's realities. But philosophers, Song-Writers, poets and religions 'conceptualize' a surviving consciousness, 'life' after death. Wouldn't it be a shame to surrender to Death, only to find out you have a whole other set of problems, in addition to the ones you were conscious of in life? Most problems are not as big as we think they are. The perspective of time passing helps us reevaluate how important those problems are, and move on, living, finding all the joys in life. An old man said, "I've had a lot of trouble in life, most of which never happened.")

I need somebody to help me! Help me! (Help me!)(Here might be your Line 3's for Verse II and Verse III. You could build your Verses, put these in as Line 3, thereby Repeating the Melody of Verse I, identically, or close to identically, supplying Structure listeners can relate to. 

Somebody to save me! Save me! (Save me!)

Please?

[V2] <- Stuck, help (To get Lines 1 and 2 for Verse II, count the Syllables in the Lyric, and try to find Lines with the same number of Syllables. That will mean there will be the same number of Notes to sing. And those Notes will be identical to Lines 1 and 2 from Verse I.)

Life ain't always what it seems to be! (9 Syllables/Notes to sing.)

Why is the universe so constantly mean? (11 Syll/Notes. If you delete 'constantly', 8 Syll/Notes.)
(Be sure to keep your Rhyme-Scheme from Verse I: be/mean/cryin' cryin' cryin'/ door." If you can Rhyme 'door' in Verse II Line 4 it picks up the Rhyme, like in Nursery Rhymes, where two Lines Rhyme, a third doesn't, two more Rhyme, and the sixth picks up the Rhyme for Line 3. "Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, sat down beside her, and scared Miss Muffet away. (whey/away).

I need somebody to help me! Help me! (Help me!)
(Now do a Syllable/Note count for Verse I, Line 4, and find a Line to match that.
and knockin' on your front door. (7 Syll/Notes)

[Chorus Repeat]

So, I'm asking you:

Am I worth it?

Do you love me?

Can I trust you?

Will you set me free?

(If you chose to have a Verse III, it would duplicate the Syllable/Note count of Verses I and II, advancing the Storyline to a satisfying denouement', an ending. If the Song is going on too long, use of a Bridge, to break the Repetition, avoiding monotony, cutting down the time, enabling a final giving of the Chorus and the Coda, the final Musical Movement.)
[Verse III?]
(Match VI/II Syll/Note count for Line 1.)
(Match VI/II Syll/Note count for Line 3.)
(Get the triple pattern set in Verse I with:)
Somebody to save me! Save me! (Save me!)
(Match VI/II Syll/ Note count for Line 4.)

[Bridge]

I'm feeling all this pain

I just want it to (all?) go away

But I'll never live to see that day

(^ Not sure about this bridge...) (A Bridge is brief, a variant Melody, unlike that of the Verses or Chorus. The Lyrical content is pivotal, turning the Storyline to logically Repeat the Chorus to end. I think this is where the Singer-Character can show their strength of Character somehow, turning the Song to show they're going to be alright. How? That's what makes you a Song-Writer. Can you figure out how the Storyline can turn, briefly expressed, and logically lead back to the Chorus?)

[Chorus] x2 (At this point time becomes a consideration. Do you have time to Repeat the Chorus twice? Or does that make it go long? The mode of consumption now, 2021, might allow Songs to be longer. Does the Human attention span allow them to stay 'hooked'? Is your Melody and Lyric and 'arrangement' (Instrumental Accompaniment/Production) interesting 'Enough' to keep them engaged, listening to the end? Another Song-Writer's judgment call. They'll make their own judgment call, consciously or unconsciously, staying engaged, or tuning out and only realizing as the Song ends that they haven't been listening. That's why it's important for you to make that judgment call first.)

[Close out] <- In some way... ??? (Final Musical Movement: Coda.)
SO, AS I CONCEIVE IT, THE SONG:

[Verse I]

Life ain't always what it seems to be! 

Why is the universe so mean?

Tell me why I'm cryin', cryin', cryin', 

and knockin' on your front door. 

[Chorus] 

So, I'm asking you:

Am I worth it? 

Do you love me? 

Can I trust you? 

Will you set me free? 

[Verse II] 

Life ain't always what it seems to be! (New Line, advancing the Storyline, explaining more of the situation, 9 Syllables/Notes to sing.)

Why is the universe so mean? (New Line.)

I need somebody to help me! Help me! Help me!
and knockin' on your front door. (New Line, 7 Syll/Notes)

[Chorus Repeat]

So, I'm asking you:

Am I worth it?

Do you love me?

Can I trust you?

Will you set me free? (Title Line? "Will You Set Me Free". Last Line of Chorus, strategic position, left ringing in their ears as the Chorus ends.)

[Verse III?]
(Match VI/II Syll/Note count for Line 1.)
(Match VI/II Syll/Note count for Line 3.)
(Get the triple pattern set in Verse I with:)
Somebody to save me! Save me! Save me!
(Match VI/II Syll/ Note count for Line 4.)

[Bridge] (If you use a Verse III you may not need a Bridge. Usually one or the other, not both, is needed.)

I'm feeling all this pain (I guess the Lyrical concept in the Bridge depends on who opens that door.)

I just want it to (all?) go away

But I'll never live to see that day (This Line has the brief, finality of a Bridge, but I'd try to find that positive spin, the Singer-Character showing strength-of-character, that she's going to make it, rise above, go forward.)

Welcome to Songwriter Junction Megs!

Very interesting. Good break down Gary, you always have some really good advice for writers. I think it's interesting that you and Gavin drew a conclusion that I did not. You read into it a subject of DEATH, and I read into it a subject of a break up, or someone that is going through more personal challenges as a feeling of isolation (standing on a door step" to me would mean it is someone they know that they are reaching out to, and wanting to get BACK to.) That;s the interesting aspect of some types of music, and many people like that. If you can keep it cloudy, people can interpret it however they want. 

Most of writers are writing for self therapy, and so there really is no right or wrong way to do it, just personal preference. If Meg wants to remain ambiguous, I think she is certainly doing it. But it seems that she came here because she is frustrated in being "logjammed" (stuck) on a song. For those reasons, I mentioned that she might like to fill in some physical details that might clarify the situation she is talking about. 

To me, this is sort of what I see most of the time with writers in that they are taking very negative tones, and while yes, that is a big part of life, the songs tend to be very hard sells to the general public. So, a big key here would be for Meg to decide what her purpose for the song is. Is it for a general audience, or just the self therapy, getting it out of her. Both are valid, but both take a bit of different approaches. It would help if she can identify the focus of the song. Part of the problem with online writing is trying to interpret what the writer/artist is feeling, attempting to say, what they are going through inside, what is the overall message. 

But she is getting some good suggestions here and I hope she is finding what she came here for in the first place. Meg, I hope you are reading along here and getting some ideas. If I may suggest something, please come back on and let us know what you are thinking, if this is taking you in the direction you are looking for, what your thoughts are. A big problem on songwriting web sites, is that someone posts something, either something about the craft and art of songwriting or questions about what happens after a song gets written, then people come on to try and help and never hear from the original poster again. Everyone takes some time and effort to attempt to help, and while no one is being forced to do this, it would be nice to know if their efforts are being heard and if they help.

Even if it is not what you are looking for, it would be a good thing if you can explain what you are looking for, and if the advice misses the point, that would help people understand how to give you some assitance. I would also say that I hope you see that people here are taking your song and your request seriously and genuinely trying to help out. 

MAB

Not so much a 'reading in'; see writer's notation after Verse I, Line 4.

[V1]

Life ain't always what it seems to be

Why is the universe so constantly mean

Tell me why I'm cryin, cryin, cryin,

and knockin on your front door {<- In which case it refers to death}

Yes,  you are right. I was just thinking something else. I think my brain just shuts off on negative songs especially the ones about death, because I've seen and heard so many of them. After a while it's just "I guess I can't do anything on this." Should have probably stayed out. Think I'll do that. 

@mabbo

Hey, thank you so much for the insight! I want to apologize for replying my thanks to you so late, but I just wanted to let you know that I did read your advice and really took it to heart. I really appreciate the ideas you had, like the story (song) board and the visualization aspect of describing things in my song as if I were to describe them to a blind person. 

I will admit this whole song thing has definitely been a brand new experience for me. I'm so used to writing novels and books, maybe even poems and random lines of words, so when my mind decided to say 'let's write a song' I couldn't believe I was going to make myself do this. I was (and still am) in such a bad place in my life that whatever I write tends to go the darker path at this moment so I like writing because it helps me get some of this stuff down on paper rather than myself but that's why I also don't really like to write; sometimes it's hard to express some of these things on paper if you get where I'm coming from.

Again, thank you so much for the help and advice, and will gladly take your advice for the continuation of this project as well as future projects I may be completing. 🙂

@gavin

Hey Gavin, I apologize for the late response. I first just wanted to give you my thanks for helping me understand my lyrics a little better. Your questions opened my eyes a little bit as to what I should have been questioning about my own song when writing it. 

At the time I wrote this, I do believe (like 90% sure) I was writing about Death as a personification of my friend. I was/am going through really hard times, so Death is one of the things I go to (imagining it, dreaming of it, etc.). Reading your reply further, and looking back at what I had written, I did come to the conclusion of definitely agreeing with you on needing to clarify a bit more about what I'm trying to express. I tend not to think about songs first when I write because I'm so used to interpreting my life events into fictional characters and actions (in novels, books/stories, poems, and so on) so I don't have to worry as much about being crystal clear about meanings (authors in that type of setting are allowed to make the waters of the story a little murkier). I will say that I am pretty proud of the chorus and want to thank you for pointing out how powerful they are because that's the direction I was going for.

I will definitely be taking your advice about adding more (clearer) context to answer questions that listeners may obviously have at this moment in time. As for the dark humor, I did actually think about that but that was a part in which I was hoping to have someone help me with. I can be a very sarcastic and humourous (dark) person, so I don't really think I could come up with something that wouldn't be over the top, insensitive/inconsiderate, etc. That or I'm just second-guessing myself like usual... Though introducing a change idea by the bridge and adding some action in the second verse, is a wonderful idea and I will most definitely be taking that into deep consideration; it will add more flow and sequence, and order. 

When it comes to the use of the word 'pain' in my bridge, I MOST DEFINITELY agree with you there. It is a pet peeve of mine as well as it is very often overused and most times actually used out of context. Firstly, I haven't really been crazy about my bridge, to begin with (in my song/lyric journal, I had a question mark next to it deciding whether or not to add a bridge at all or just not add that bridge). On the second note, a lot of times, I use some of those other, more commonly used words like 'pain' as a placeholder until I can find words (synonyms) that fit better to what I'm feeling and trying to describe if that makes sense. 

Thank you so much again for the advice! 🙂

Posted by: @mabbo

Yes,  you are right. I was just thinking something else. I think my brain just shuts off on negative songs especially the ones about death, because I've seen and heard so many of them. After a while it's just "I guess I can't do anything on this." Should have probably stayed out. Think I'll do that. 

This is going to sound a bit hypocritical but I do in fact agree with where you are coming from. 

The main reason I turn towards negative songs and words is because, a) that's all I've really known from how I have been raised and b) now that I'm trying to cope and heal, songs that portray a negative connotation and deeper meaning help me realize that I'm not alone in the world and can actually get through it because I actually have the strength and the power and voice to do so. As cheesy and cliche as that sounds, that's more of what my mindset and viewpoint are. On that note, however, even for me, it doesn't mean I don't think there are (getting to be) too many negative songs out there in the world today... because there are. Our world is falling into a very depressing state because of all sorts of violence, abuse/assault, and just about anything else at this point. 

When it comes to the points where you think about how "you can't do anything on the topic and should have stayed out of it" I respectfully disagree. I will most definitely respect your decision of whether you stay out of these types of conversations or forums, but I thought you should know something. People who are going through these specific things on sites like these do in fact need your help and your insight... I did (without even knowing it until you replied to my thread) and you really helped me open my eyes to my own song and writing style in order to help me become a better (song)writer. I think people could really benefit from whatever advice you offer up and are willing to give and I just thought you should know that. At one point, it does make sense that someone would want to take that side of things because there's just so much negativity, and it kind of kills off the vibe but on the other hand, it means you're one of those people who have a special perspective on things/life in general so we could all use you to make ourselves better (in means of growing and improving) and the amazing advice you give out.

Just thought you should know! 🙂

Here's a suggestion, Megs. This song is obviously very important to you and deeply connected to your feelings and situation. That may be the worst kind of song on which to learn your craft. Try writing one on a different subject, one not so close to you, just for the fun of it. Then take what you learn and find out about songwriting, both from the experience and from any feedback you get here, back to this one when you are ready. 🙂

Posted by: @megs

Posted by: @mabbo

Yes,  you are right. I was just thinking something else. I think my brain just shuts off on negative songs especially the ones about death, because I've seen and heard so many of them. After a while it's just "I guess I can't do anything on this." Should have probably stayed out. Think I'll do that. 

This is going to sound a bit hypocritical but I do in fact agree with where you are coming from. 

The main reason I turn towards negative songs and words is because, a) that's all I've really known from how I have been raised and b) now that I'm trying to cope and heal, songs that portray a negative connotation and deeper meaning help me realize that I'm not alone in the world and can actually get through it because I actually have the strength and the power and voice to do so. As cheesy and cliche as that sounds, that's more of what my mindset and viewpoint are. On that note, however, even for me, it doesn't mean I don't think there are (getting to be) too many negative songs out there in the world today... because there are. Our world is falling into a very depressing state because of all sorts of violence, abuse/assault, and just about anything else at this point. 

When it comes to the points where you think about how "you can't do anything on the topic and should have stayed out of it" I respectfully disagree. I will most definitely respect your decision of whether you stay out of these types of conversations or forums, but I thought you should know something. People who are going through these specific things on sites like these do in fact need your help and your insight... I did (without even knowing it until you replied to my thread) and you really helped me open my eyes to my own song and writing style in order to help me become a better (song)writer. I think people could really benefit from whatever advice you offer up and are willing to give and I just thought you should know that. At one point, it does make sense that someone would want to take that side of things because there's just so much negativity, and it kind of kills off the vibe but on the other hand, it means you're one of those people who have a special perspective on things/life in general so we could all use you to make ourselves better (in means of growing and improving) and the amazing advice you give out.

hJust thought you should know! 🙂

Hello Megs, and I appreciate the things that you say. And if it seems like I professed uninterest, that really is not it. I felt like I misread something because of my own background in dealing with writers and songs. This sort of thing is what I have been doing as an actual vocation for over 20 years. But my efforts are usually described a little more as "therapy conciling" than songwriting. Most of the people that I deal with are sitting in my office, we are discussing their overall approach and the backgrounds they bring with them, and often that is where the real deal is. 

I don't know you, don't have any sense of what your intentions are, don't really have a way to assess the understanding or desire you have to understand the craft of songwriting. And that is very important. Most people write songs for their own therapy. They have their own emotions, stories, etc. that they want to express, and might not be interested in my particular take on a situation. There is nothing wrong with that. It is part of what we all start writing for in the first place. Like painting, sculpting, golf, you name whatever hobby people participate in. 

I don't know what your intentions might be. So that is why I am actually a little hesitant to get involved in this subject matter. I would tell you that my own experiences from seeing, hearing, writing this sort of thing for many years is to always try to find the "ROPE OF HOPE" which is making the best out of a bad situation. I would ask you on this particular song, are you learning anything from it? Is it helping you to deal with what issues you have in your life? 

One of the things that people will say is "I want to write this so I won't feel so alone." That is true to a degree. Many people do have similar feelings. But really good songwriting is to show HOW TO GET OUT OF THOSE SITUATIONS. People don't need to be told something they are already going through i their lives, they really want to hear how someone has dealt with it yet found a way out. There is more than enough negative, anger, bitterness, etc. out there in the world. As songwriters, I don't feel it is our job to just report on that. Our listeners already know. It is far more productive to help people focus those feelings or energies and help them find a constructive way to process them. Have you ever heard a song that seemed to be very somber, yet at the end had some form of element that made it seemed like it was going to be okay? To me, that is what makes for a stronger approach. 

None of this is hard to do. I honestly think that you migth want to take GAvin;s advicec, and go to something a little less challenging, learn something from that, gain a little more experience before trying to get into something that is honestly very daunting. I would find some songs you have been impressed by over your life that might have similar subject matter, and study what they do. Also as an artist, know that you can get away with a lot more than a writer only as presentation can sometimes override the somber nature of some songs. 

I wish you luck and am always around if you want clarification or comments further. Feel free to reach me privately and we can discuss elements for you if you would like. You are getting some good advice here and I would strongly suggest you look at it then approach your song as freshly as you can. 

Good luck,
MAB