I like the story.  Who doesn't want an escape after a hard day?

Hey Phil, I really like this. Totally get what you say about words and music coming at the same time. It's the same for me, which is why I don't post just lyrics all that often.

Is it about him escaping to a better world of his imagination? Or is there another meaning that I'm missing?

This struck a chord with me because I had a friend at school who was not quite the full sixpence, as we used to say, but sweet natured. He did get bullied a little, but most of us just regarded him as "special" and looked out for him. He had a train set and lived by its schedule. He would have to be home in time to run the 4:20 train and would time the rest of the schedule between TV programs - TV schedules being his other obsession.

I'm looking forward to hearing this. It's charming without being too sentimental, a wee bit sad, but also a wee bit happy, and it flows really well.

Hi Phil. I like the way the song starts with a vivid, tangible image. It immediately brought to mind the archetypal bullied kid who down plays his hardship ("they played a little rough") and finds some way to escape the pain of being bullied and to become the hero of the story ("keeping the streets safe"). I know you didn't ask for suggestions with the lyrics, but I thought I'd make just one. Perhaps consider finding a replacement label for your boy. The insult "four eyes" dates from the 1800s (Sorry for throwing dates at you. I've done some work with bullying so I'm a bit of an encyclopaedia of bully terms) and, while still used, is not nearly as common as it was in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. These days, glasses are more often seen as being cool...because, let's face it, they are pretty cool.

Thanks all for your replies so far! When I had my wife read the lyrics, she totally missed what I was trying to say. And, she reads all the time!

So Jenny, did I reveal my real age with that "four eyes" image? LOL! And yes, I do remember that phrase was an insult. I appreciate your reaction to that phrase, and I'll change it. You're right, I can just put in a name there (Johnny) or some other two syllable phrase. After all, the real image is "lost his glasses in the school yard". I guess I used that phrase in an attempt to show how the bullies viewed the kid.

phil

Hi Phil. That attempt "to show how the bullies viewed the kid" was more than attempt. You nailed it. I totally got that part of the story I love the way you used that technique. I think whatever change you make (if you even make a change) should preserve that "showing"  the kid through the bullies eyes. It's very effective.

Jen

I guess I misread your post Jenny. You weren't saying "replace four eyes" because it was "insulting". You were only (correctly) pointing out that "four eyes" was dated. Hmm, I wander if "geek" is also outdated? That's the only other identifier my small, simple mind can come up with that I could still make fit rhythmically. ("Poor little geek")

Another interesting thing about your note. Originally, the fourth line was, "Says them big guys" to rhyme with "four eyes". But I decided I didn't like "guys" so I dropped the rhyme for the word "kids". "Guys" seems 16 and older, and this is a small boy, 8-12 years old, so"kid" seemed to better describe his age.

phil

Oh dear. Did you know "geek" is now also a badge of honour. lol

To be a geek is to be an expert in something or to have an almost fanatical love for something. You've got guitar geek, tech geek, movie geek, etc. I want to be able to suggest a better, more current label that will fit into the rhythm of the song, but nothing is coming to me. I'll keep it mulling around in the back of my brain and maybe I'll wake up at 2am with a good solution.   🙂

If you have to choose between geek and four-eyes, four-eyes is the better term because it's still used as an insult (an ineffectual one -- cause glasses are now cool -- but everyone knows the intent behind it) whereas "geek" is so commonly used in an almost affectionate way that it's lost its barb really.

Hello Phil,

I like your lyric, kudos.  Yeh this poor guy has a target painted on his back in the school yard.  It's probably just me, but when I talked the lyrics in meter, had a few rough places with pronunciation, the words didn't easily roll.

Stopped in Dodge City
Had Masterson's back
Keeping the streets safe
Then on south to Tombstone
Left his boot tracks with Earp
At he OK corral gate

Good luck with this piece, and best wishes,

Speak soon

Well Jenny, either you're still very young (20's) or you have young ones in your family. I do know that "geek" is now, for older guys and folks (16+), a new "badge of honor". But isn't it still used as an insult, especially among younger (8-14) kids for someone who wears glasses, or is just odd or doesn't fit in socially? According to Wikipedia, "The word geek is a slang term originally used to describe eccentric or non-mainstream people; in current use, the word typically connotes an expert or enthusiast or a person obsessed with a hobby or intellectual pursuit, with a general pejorative meaning of a "peculiar person, especially one who is perceived to be overly intellectual, unfashionable, boring, or socially awkward"." Oh yes, I also found the word, "nerd" in my searching. But I'm not sure what age group that would apply too.

Well Deacon, I guess I have a different rhythm in my head. I could repost the lyrics, underlining the 1 beats, but I'm almost ready to record it, so maybe I'll just post that soon. In the meantime, here is the chart for the song:

Key=D, Beat=4/4, Tempo=124
V    1 4 4 1   1 4 4 1   6m 5 6m 5   4 4 5 5
C    1 4 4 1   1 5 4 1   1 4 5 5
TA   1 4 5 1

Note that in the chorus, the words at the end, "Electric train" begins on beat one of the turn around. There are also 2-4 beat rests at the end of some sentences, and in some cases, the last word of a line might be on beat 1. For example,

"Stopped in Dodge City,
Had Bat Masterson's back
Keepin city streets safe" (rest 2, 3, 4)

Thanks for the input! (BTW, that verse has been rewritten already! Along with several other rewrites. I'll repost when I get a recording to go with it.)

phil

Hello Phil,

Like I said, it was probably just me.  I would love to hear this song, I hope you will share it with us once you've recorded it.  Best wishes,

Speak soon

I love train songs.