I was on a bender, smashed my fender.

Now I'm in need of a mender.

Do you have a lender

Had too many things I didn’t need.

Had too much on my mind.

I had forgotten how to feel

Forgotten how to shine.

I went on a bender, smashed my fender
Tired of feeling blue
Then someone tender made me remember 
When I met you...

https://www.soundclick.com/music/songInfo.cfm?songID=14039978

🙂

Cool rendition. I like the lyric changes. Please keep working on it. I think it's a unique way of decribing how someone changed a persons outlook. Nothing like a fresh cup of coffee in the morning. Am i still talking about coffee?

@Gavin … and everyone else  🙂

When I do these phone roughs I'm sitting on my couch, chording the guitar, reading along with the lyrics and fishing for a melody lol... What you're hearing is my first playthrough of the lyric so, "YOU" actually hear the song with fresh "unbiased" ears before I do. Does that make any sense? I can't hear the song because I'm being too critical of myself... or overly impressed with myself depending on my mood lol...

What I really need is everyone else's honest first impression to help me decide whether or not to do a full recording. Are the lyrics disjointed? Does the melody need to go another direction? Too slow, too fast? Is something missing? Do I just sound like another dick with a guitar? I LIKE FEEDBACK YA'LL! I'm not all hung up on the number of collaborators poking the pie, and I already know I'm not a singer! All I'm saying is anything worth doing is worth doing well, so please tell me what you really think.

https://www.soundclick.com/music/songInfo.cfm?songID=14039978

I like they change in tempo shifting up from the verse to chorus. The mood of the verses somehow doesn't quite feel sad enough. Maybe the chords? I'm no musician so hard to critique.

I love this, guys. Tony, the melody fits the lyric like a glove, in my opinion, and it's a fantastic lyric. That internal rhyme in the first line of the chorus kind of invites the melody to go where it does, clearly defining the chorus. I definitely think you should take this further.

The little changes to the lyrics are all good ("that hair" instead of "your hair" - more conversational and puts her right their next to him, looking at him)

Not so sure about these lines:

Then someone tender made me remember
When I met you.

It makes me think that he's talking about someone else rather than her. Maybe just add the word "That's"

Then someone tender made me remember
That's when I met you..

Or

Then someone tender made me remember
That someone was you...

I don't want to overcomplicate things - the song's simplicity is its strength - but that fender could be a pretty good metaphor. I can't really think of a good way to work it in there though without it jarring with the rest of the song.

You'll probably want to make it a tiny bit faster when you record it properly. Not much, just a little.

Good suggestions on the last 2 lines of chorus. Thanks for your feedback.

Intro

She shook her head said you’re a mess.

You dress like you don’t care.

You need to shave and take a bath.

Run a comb thru your hair.

Verse

Had too many things in the way

Had too much on my mind.

I misplaced my priorities

and was way outta line

Pre chorus

I was on a bender, smashed my fender.

I was feeling blue.

Needed someone tender,to fire up cold embers

then I met you.

Chorus

You fill my heart with wonder.

You’re a Morning glory bloom.

You’re that fresh cup of coffee

I look forward to

For my Monday morning blues.

Verse

Don’t think about work  much these days.

I’ve got you on my mind.

Don’t give a dam what people think.

A foolish waste of time.

Pre chorus

I was on a bender, smashed my fender.

I was feeling blue.

Needed someone tender,to fire up cold embers
then I met you.

Now that's what I'm talkin about! The opening lines of this song aren't just some woman "nagging", it's a story about "tough love" and how the singer comes to appreciate it. I think we're getting closer now, good one AllFor! 🙂

"Had too many things I didn’t need
Had too much on my mind
I’d misplaced feelings I should’ve had
Forgotten how to shine"

I really like these lines... But shouldn't we put these words in "her" mouth? @Gavin

Yes much better

"Needed someone tender,to fire up cold embers." could be a bit hard to sing. How about simply, "Needed someone tender, to stir the embers."

Also, I just noticed that the song begins with the female character in the third person: "She said..." Later in the song, this witches to second person. Unless these really are meant to be two different people, you should probably fix that.