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Leonbbryan
(@leonbbryan)
Active Member
Joined: 3 months ago
Posts: 6
12/07/2019 8:07 am  

I am trying to work out how to use this website, so please bear with me... 

I am Leon Bryan from Bedfordshire and I am trying to make it as a professional songwriter. I was hoping this website would be the place to get some decent feedback

Here is a link to a song on my band camp (first song I ever recorded) and the following is the lyrics... removed link

I know so, you think so? 

Dial Tones while I sit home alone 
Awake till 4am writing song that'll never make it 
The end isn't always the start of something new 
I have no-one to talk to, it's been a quiet night 

Monsters, monsters under my bed 
Creeping, Crawling, something's talking to me 

Oh these voices they're sending me insane 
You don't think it's gonna break you till your permanently broken 
I walk along these roads all alone 
I live with these monsters just strapped to my feet 

Monsters, monsters under my bed 
Creeping, Crawling, something's talking to me 

I know so, you think so, you want to have control of my mind 
Well I'm sorry but I don't think I have what you want 
These monsters they drain so much away from me 
They're taking every last peice of my soul 

You don't think that I want for you to know how I feel 
It's hard to put into words that you'd understand 
I'm trying hard to explain my emotions 
Drinking my coffee as the sun comes up 

I know so, you think so, you want to have control of my mind 
Well I'm sorry but I don't think I have what you want 
These monsters they drain so much away from me 
They're taking every last peice of my soul 

I know so, you think so, you want to have control of my mind 
Well I'm sorry but I don't think I have what you want 
These monsters they drain so much away from me 
They're taking every last peice of my soul  


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Songwriter Junction
(@songwriter-junction)
Member Admin
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 102
12/07/2019 8:38 am  

Welcome to the Junction, Leon. You might notice that your first couple of posts took a little while to appear. This is because they have to be moderated as an anti-spam measure. Future posts should appear immediately.

You'll soon figure out how to use the site. Strictly speaking, song lyrics should be posted in the Lyrics Library section. That's not a rule - just that you are more likely to get more feedback if you do. The Introductions section is a great place to tell us a bit about yourself, as much or as little as you feel like sharing.

Welcome aboard!

PS - Just noticed that you mentioned a recording of this song, but the link seems to have been removed. Can you try reposting it?

This post was modified 3 months ago by Songwriter Junction

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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 386
12/07/2019 1:30 pm  

Welcome aboard. Thanks for joining!

carroll kiphen


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 386
12/07/2019 1:52 pm  

dial tones while I sit alone

writing songs all night long.

one starts another on ends

next day they sound all wrong.

 

monsters under my bed.

voices in my head.

people talking to me.

can't hear what is said.

 

 

Might flow better if you economize on words and add a bit of rhyme. No music here so just Spit balling. I'm one to talk. lol The one I just posted is way too wordy.

carroll kiphen


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
12/07/2019 10:26 pm  

I went to Bandcamp and found the song.

https://leonbryan.bandcamp.com/track/i-know-so-you-think-so

It's a rough recording, but I assume what you want feedback on is the song, not the recording

Musically, it has a nice punk feeling and really takes off with the chorus, or could with a more committed vocal. You sound detached from the emotion of the lyric. It would sound great with more feeling, more expression. Even just bringing your vocal forward in the mix would help. (There I go commenting on the recoding, not the song!)

There seems to be a bit of a mismatch between the music, which to me is kind of punk, and the lyrics, which seem a bit wordy for the genre. You might hear from some folks here that "negative" lyrics are a no-no. That's may be true for country, which is what many here write. I don't think that it's necessarily true at all for this kind of song, but then you need to be punchier and avoid clichés like "I walk along these roads all alone." That's just my opinion, of course.

I listened to your other songs at Bandcamp. I really liked Blue Butterflies. The recording is rough, but the song is nice.

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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Jenny Stokes
(@jenny-stokes)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 434
13/07/2019 7:55 am  

Welcome to the Junction Leon. I have a few suggestions. Take em or leave em. I just make em.  🙂

Dial Tones while I sit home alone 
Awake till 4am writing song that'll never make it  [I highly recommend omitting the "will" part of this line. The line sings better without it and the meaning isn't drastically changed]

Monsters, monsters under my bed 
Creeping, Crawling, What's that talking to me?

Oh these voices they're sending me insane  [Removing "they're" just gives the song a little room to breath]

I'd really like to take a look at your bridge because it doesn't seem to sit quite right in the song, but unfortunately, I've run out of time tonight. It's always the way, eh. I'll leave you by saying I love the groove of this song and the melody is really catchy. I look forward to seeing more of your work, Lyon. Welcome

Jen

http://evansandstokes.com
https://www.facebook.com/evansandstokes/


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Hibernia
(@hibernia)
Active Member
Joined: 5 months ago
Posts: 19
13/07/2019 8:24 am  

Welcome Leon. Where in Bedfordshire do you live?


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Leonbbryan
(@leonbbryan)
Active Member
Joined: 3 months ago
Posts: 6
13/07/2019 9:16 am  

Close to shefford, or near to the bedford central counsil building


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Leonbbryan
(@leonbbryan)
Active Member
Joined: 3 months ago
Posts: 6
13/07/2019 9:18 am  

I panicked when it came to the bridge as I hadn't planned that far ahead of the song

So I created a random solo to fit into the place 😊


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