"With you friend" (...
 

"With you friend" (rough demo)  

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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 8 months ago
Posts: 35
05/11/2019 1:18 pm  

Hi, 

I composed "With you friend" a couple of years ago to a Lyric my friend Alison Fagan of Irish Origin provided to me/for me. 
When I wrote it at first it was a sweet little piano ballad. Now I´m trying to do a full-band-little-faster Version of it... hope I will improve my vocal performance 🙁 ... 

 

"With you friend"
(Martin Götz/Alison Fagan)

Started the day at ground zero,
Now her hands make some noise,
Oh, how she tried so hard,
To be the best she could,

Like lighting up the quiet towers,
Wherever she goes,
Like falling under rain showers,
To feel all of the lows,

And now she grabs the ticket,
As it begins to drift away,
Because now she hopes some things will change,
Words and words will rise off the page,

It’s the world we’re living in,
Giving everything,
Just to make it in the end,
Just to say I was with you friend

She walks right by the place she left,
All the souls she might have met,
Oh, some people never change,
Why would you want to stay the same?
Feel the warmth of hands,
Wherever you go,
Feel they might understand,
All of the lows,

And now she grabs the ticket,
As it begins to drift away,
Because now she hopes some things will change,
Words and words will rise off the page,

It’s the world we’re living in,
Giving, giving, giving everything,
Just to make it in the end,
Just to say I with you friend

"

This topic was modified 1 week ago by MartinG

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 8 months ago
Posts: 425
05/11/2019 6:56 pm  

Hey Martin, I have to admit that I don't understand the lyric. It's interesting, but I don't get it. Probably just me 🙁

It's a pleasant melody, but I think you might need to find a way of adding some variation when it comes to the production to give it some texture.

There are a few changes to the phrasing that could make it better, I think, especially in the hook. Try putting the stress on the word "with" in the line "Just to say I with you friend." You might change it to "Just to say I with you, my friend" either in every case or when it's repeated.

How about changing:

"Oh, how she tried so hard,
To be the best she could,"

to

"Oh, how she tried so hard to be,
The very best she could,"

I think it fits the melody better.

In the line "Like falling under rain showers," try putting the stress on "fall."

In the line "To feel all of the lows." try pausing after "feel" and then putting stress on "all."

In the line "Feel the warmth of hands," you could try putting the stress on "feel," rather than "warmth."

In the line, "All of the lows." you could try missing a beat at the start and then coming in with the stress on "All."

Hope this helps.

 

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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JAPOV
(@japov)
Honorable Member
Joined: 8 months ago
Posts: 434
05/11/2019 11:17 pm  

My mind goes to a very bad place when I read this Martin... Please tell me I'm wrong...

https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandid=1449856


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
A Night To ReMember
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 104
09/11/2019 5:29 am  

"With you friend"
(Martin Götz/Alison Fagan)

Started the day at ground zero, (I miss the pronoun, 'She', the 'actor' to do the 'action' of the verb.)
Now her hands make some noise, (In Verse II you have a 'Hard Rhyme', goes/lows. Here you don't. 'Now she stops to knock on wood'.)
Oh, how she tried so hard,
To be the best she could,

Like lighting up the quiet towers, (Do you need the word 'Like', or could you delete it?)
Wherever she goes,
Like falling under rain showers, (You use 'Like' again here. I'd use one or the other, not both.)
To feel all of the lows,
(I also wonder if 'She lights up the quiet towers' and 'She falls under rain showers' would give a sense of action happening now.)

And now she grabs the ticket, (Delete 'And'? Here's the 'now' I mentioned.)
As it begins to drift away,
Because now she hopes some things will change, (Delete 'Because'?)
Words and words will rise off the page, (Delete 'will'?)

It’s the world we’re living in,
Giving everything,
Just to make it in the end, (Delete 'Just')
Just to say I was with you friend (Use 'Just' one place or the other, not both? Maybe not either. Getting that one word out of the last Line makes it easier to sing.)

She walks right by the place she left, (There's my pronoun, 'She'. And 'walks', the present tense verb.)
All the souls she might have met,
Oh, some people never change,
Why would you want to stay the same?
Feel the warmth of hands,
Wherever you go,
Feel they might understand,
All of the lows,

Now she grabs the ticket,
As it begins to drift away,
Now she hopes some things will change,
Words and words rise off the page,

It’s the world we’re living in,
Giving, giving, giving everything,
to make it in the end,
Just to say I was with you friend

This post was modified 5 days ago by Gary E. Andrews

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 8 months ago
Posts: 35
09/11/2019 6:25 am  

Hi guys

Hi @Gavin, thank you so much for your feedback and the suggestions. Some of Alison´s Lyrics are not so easy to understand, I know. Its a big difference between her writing style and the "Hi, I am Martin, me English no good, I rhyme blue and you... and ask people to fix it ..." 🙂 

Thank you so much pointing out some issues, I´ll see what I can do regarding the variations and stuff

 

Hi @Tony: Don´t really know what you are worried about? the song is not about being gay, at least I think so

Hi@Gary - thank you Professor for reading the lyric and taking the time to make suggestions. They look good. I like the "wood" line (even the original writer is of Irish origin, so I might use "touch" wood. The Irish touch wood while Americans knock on it. I experienced the same issues with the life of a cat... 7 and 9... )

I´ll give it some thoughts. 

 

Thank you very much to the three of you for helping me out on this one. You are great!

Martin

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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