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09/01/2020 5:20 am
Hey y'all. Happy New Year.
Here's a new one I'm working on. It'll be a simple acoustic tune. Slow at about 80 bpm.
Am I jumping around in the lyric too much or does it make sense to y'all?
As usual, any and all comments welcome.
THE SORROW
When you ask for my story
Scars show, that I made myself worthy
You were there through the worst and the best
Now memory is all I have left
No cure for grief, but time and prayer
I sit in silence and just let it hurt
Oh, the sorrow
Oh, my hero
......Your memory and me
The loss hurts. It bleeds through every part of me
So fierce, I can hardly breath
I give my grief to my Heavenly Father
For He has come to heal the brokenhearted
Lay alone my mind starts to wander
Lessons learned, your legacy to honour
Oh, the sorrow
Oh, my hero
....Your memory and me
https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://evansandstokes.com
https://www.facebook.com/evansandstokes/
YrralMallik liked
09/01/2020 11:30 am
Hi Jen. I think you have something really good here.
I'm old school when it comes to rhymes. I love 'em and miss them when they're not there. I especially love them when they are not in the obvious place and maybe make you wait a moment for them. This made me think of adding something to the second verse (melody permitting)....
The loss hurts. It bleeds through every part of me
So fierce, I can hardly breathe
I give my grief to my Heavenly Father
For He has come to heal the brokenhearted
If I can just believe
I'd also like one more hint, however subtle, about who and what is the subject of the song. I get the gist, and the feeling comes across really well, but I'd like to be let into your mind and heart a tiny bit more., so that I can feel it with you. That might just be me.
Great to hear that you are doing some more acoustic stuff. 🙂
I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com
11/01/2020 3:36 pm
Re-Write..... ?
Not an uncommon story
These scars show I'm worthy
I was there through the worst and the best
Now prayer is all I have left
Trade loss for faith, and hope that your face
In time, will just fade away
In time, will just fade away
Oh, the sorrow
Oh, my hero
......Your memory and me
My spirit drains from a wound that won’t heal
And cries with words never heard
I scream my grief to heaven in faith that
Seeking wisdom is its own reward
Lay alone, my mind starts to wander
Lesson learned, no love but the Father
Oh, the sorrow
Oh, my hero
....Your memory and me
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandid=1449856
Topic starter
12/01/2020 4:57 am
Thanks guys.
"I scream my grief to heaven" -- I like that. Nice Tony.
"...to be let into your mind and heart a tiny bit more., so that I can feel it with you" -- That's food for thought, Gavin. You're right, of course. I just have to think about whether I'm up to exposing myself. I am probably the world's most emotionally closed-off songwriter. lol
https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://evansandstokes.com
https://www.facebook.com/evansandstokes/
12/01/2020 11:20 am
I think you can do it without exposing yourself. You don't owe anyone an explanation about a song or need to say how much is real and how much is imagined, so long as there is an emotional truth we can relate to. The "mind and heart" can be as real or as imagined as you like with no need to tell anyone which it is.
I could definitely challenge you for the title of emotionally most closed-off songwriter LOL.
I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com
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