Good one. I like this one. Hope it gets put to music.

I didn't expect to like this when I saw the title. If I see another lyric about drowning your sorrows in alcohol, I might just reach for the bottle myself. But this one is different in the angle it approaches it from. Also, for me at least, it's really well written. Concise and straightforward, with none of the moaning self-pity that usually permeates songs on this topic.

  GREAT IDEA    you have two verse there , but if you look at the meter of each

corresponding line ,   any sort  of meter is non existent,  so a memorable melody

is out of the question;  if that's the way you are writing your lyrics ?      I dont see the

point ,because anyone trying to put a melody to what you have here   would ask

you to sort that out .   

The other point is the meter of each  corresponding line does not match 

Take the verses of YESTERDAY   Paul Mac Cartney

Yest  -  er  day---    all -  my troub-les , were -so far -away ( 12 Syllables )

('matches ) 

Sud - En- Ly----   I'm  - not  half -the man - I used - to be   (12 Syllables)

Hope it helps 

VERSE ONE  YOUR SONG LYRIC

Why on earth did you take the lyric down, Allfor? It means I'm going to have to go from memory.

Peter, whatever you think of the lyric, you would have to agree that it's concise. Just two verses, no padding, every line adding to the song. It's even more concise now, I guess, since it no longer has any verses at all.

Before Allfor deleted the lyric, I went through it in my head, putting a kind of basic generic melody to it and had no problem with any of the lines. There were a couple of times where I had to think about it and try a different stress or add an unsung musical beat to feel what he had in mind, but that only took a second. I got the impression that he had a melody, or at the very least, a rhythmic structure in mind. This obsession with counting syllables is something that drives me up the wall sometimes. It can make for very bland and uninspiring melodies and doesn't take into account that not every note in a line of music has to be sung. If you can feel it, it works.

GAVIN   its not an obsession its part of writing proper songs  Repetition ,  

The METER  was all over the show GAVIN

WE  CANT put memorable melody to a lyric that's all over the auction

But if you think you can go ahead and do it 

When someone takes the time to explain something that is obvious  and gets that kind

of response it tells me Move On Dont Bother  , so all the best to all dont ring us

and we wont ring you     If you could kindly drop me off of the list  of members

I would be glad, because I cant see where that facility is offered

Peter, I'm just disagreeing with you. I was talking in general about the obsession that some folks have with a precise syllable count. There was a fellow on the SW101 forum whose only criterion for judging lyrics was whether the number of syllables in every line was exactly the same. That's the kind of obsession I'm talking about. Reading back my post, I can see how it could come across as being directed at you, and I apologize for that. 

I still feel that syllable-counting is over-emphasized by many, but should have been a lot more careful in how I phrased it so that we could stick to the discussion and not seem to be getting personal, which was never my intention. Sorry.

I'd take a listen to that... ? 

Hey Gavin.... Songwriters sure are a temperamental bunch aren’t they lol.

Hey AFTL.... I've been wanting to ask, why the name? Do you write any Christian songs?

Just took a peak at you on soundclick... Yea, you're definitely old school!! Some decent sounding recordings there though, is that you singing?

no those are different artists that I paid and some my deceased publisher used

WELL GOOD FOR YOU? Maybe put your latest  version up first and then we can avoid any critique

and wasting of our time ,     

Posted by: PeterKristian

WELL GOOD FOR YOU? Maybe put your latest  version up first and then we can avoid any critique

and wasting of our time ,     

I got plenty of time to do as I see fit, and if you choose not to look or comment on my posts that is your choice sir, have a good day

Pete! Dude, what's up? We're just geeks with guitars showing off here man... You really got something more important to be doing? 

JAPOV I'm just gonna ignor replying to that person not worth  it

Let's keep it civil, guys. I didn't help matters with my poorly worded post about syllable counting, but I think this thread is headed in a direction it really doesn't need to.

First of all, let's be receptive to criticism. It's nice to be told that what we have posted is great (who doesn't love an ego boost?), but actually more valuable to be told where it might be improved. That person criticizing your work is not working against you, but rather working for you, and he/she is doing it for free. You don't have to agree with every suggestion, but you shouldn't see it as a personal attack. I would say about 20% of the suggestions I receive for a song I've posted end up changing the song. I'm grateful for the other 80% too. If I comment on a song and make suggestions, it's because I think it's worth taking the time to do so. In commenting at all, even with criticisms or suggestions, I'm saying something positive about the song. I think that applies to a lot of people.

Second, let's be encouraging in the tone we adopt when offering criticism. Most of us here write lyrics for our own music or for someone else's. If we think we are good enough with words to do that, we should also be good enough with words to sense how our criticism is likely to be received.