in my heart  

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melissaaurora
(@melissaaurora)
Active Member
Joined: 2 weeks ago
Posts: 7
08/10/2019 6:27 am  

in my heart

A heart-wrenching set of words
Aligned on top of notes
Reviving the blaze of my hopes
Awakening feelings by hordes
I can’t remember the last time
I felt so many emotions
Moved by musical illusions
I told myself I was fine

Eight lines and a chorus
Sentences harmonious
Making distraction
Into inspiration

That day I discovered
That within me
Waiting to be shared
Laid poetry
In my heart
In my heart

That day I found out
That within me
Waiting to be carried out
Laid reverie
In my heart
In my heart

My creative soul went on and on
For a while I wrote my heart out
Within some time, without a doubt
The easy part was done
I still remember my first line
I felt too many emotions
Yearning to share my illusions
I believed it was time

Structure and syntax
A tale in three acts
Clarified emotion
Material perception

That day I discovered
That within me
Waiting to be shared
Laid poetry
In my heart
In my heart

That day I found out
That within me
Waiting to be carried out
Laid reverie
In my heart
In my heart

That day
In my heart
Never knew
There was art
In my heart
In my heart

That day I discovered
That within me
Waiting to be shared
Laid poetry
In my heart
In my heart

That day I found out
That within me
Waiting to be carried out
Laid reverie
In my heart
In my heart


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
08/10/2019 8:39 am  

I like this. I don't seem to have seen many songs with the ABBA rhyme scheme recently. I think it works here. In fact, the whole structure with the double chorus works really well for me and lends itself to a gentle. acoustic melody. Is that how you see it?

For me, the weakest part is the beginning. "Heart-wrenching" seems a little cliched and overused. Can you think of something more unusual, more original? It's important because it's the first line. Also "Awakening feelings by hordes" seems a little forced to achieve the rhyme. The idea of hordes of feelings doesn't work very well for me.

From then on, it just gets better and better.

Remember, these are only my thoughts, and I wouldn't be sharing them if I didn't think the song was basically good and worth working on. 🙂

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 386
08/10/2019 9:12 am  

May be. 

A harmonious set of chords

carroll kiphen


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
08/10/2019 9:48 am  

Personally, I like the idea of the words and notes. It is very visual with the idea of musical notation and lyrics as they are usually printed or written. Why not take a slightly different approach and emphasize the power of something as simple as a few words on a page and the growing wonder of discovering their power together with music? Something like...

Just a few simple words
Aligned on top of notes
The power to kindle hopes
The emotion in a chord

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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melissaaurora
(@melissaaurora)
Active Member
Joined: 2 weeks ago
Posts: 7
08/10/2019 11:21 am  

@ckiphen

I already have "harmonious" a couple lines after, so I'm not sure. The idea is good though.


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melissaaurora
(@melissaaurora)
Active Member
Joined: 2 weeks ago
Posts: 7
08/10/2019 11:41 am  

@gavin

Thank you for your answer!

I actually chose the ABBA structure out of laziness! Glad to know it works out.

I'mnot sure about the melody yet, I'll figure that out later.

I'm well aware of the cringiness of certain lines. I'll take what you said into account and try rewriting the beginning.

 


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melissaaurora
(@melissaaurora)
Active Member
Joined: 2 weeks ago
Posts: 7
08/10/2019 11:47 am  

@gavin

My main thought was the power of lyrics and the way they sound, not the music/melody... I do realize the heavy-handedness of those first lines now. Not as poetic as I imagined.

I'll figure something out. Thank you!


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
08/10/2019 11:58 am  

Melissa, there are many different kinds of songs of course, but in most cases a conversational style works best and is most likely to engage the listener, especially in an intimate song like this. Imagine yourself in a conversation with the listener. This doesn't mean that it can't be poetic, but in the best songs, that poetry can seem effortless (it's not!)

Don't underrate yourself. If you weren't thinking about melody, your subconscious was 🙂 

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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AllfortheLord
(@allforthelord)
A Night To ReMember
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 185
08/10/2019 12:45 pm  

A ladened heavy set of words


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Jenny Stokes
(@jenny-stokes)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 434
09/10/2019 1:41 am  

Very cool. I like it, Melissa. On reading it I kept Billie Eilish in mind. If you want to harness your inner Billie, can I suggest that you run your lines together somewhat. Think "bad guy"

An agonizing set of words [or allfor's suggestion of "laden heavy" works too]
Aligned on top of notes I heard
Revive the blazing of my hopes
Awaken feelings by hordes [not sure about this line. See below*]
I can’t remember the last time
I felt so many emotions. I
Am moved by musical illusions
I told myself I was fine

* I'm not sure "hordes" is the right word. Check its meaning. Also, there's the repetitiveness of awakening feelings and then in the next lines not remembering feeling. You could replace this "Awaken feelings" line with something that links to "blazing...hopes"

Please, please, please post your revised lyric. I'd love to see where you take this lyric. ...so many possibilities.  🙂

Jen

http://evansandstokes.com
https://www.facebook.com/evansandstokes/


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