I Don’t Hear My Lau...
 

I Don’t Hear My Laugh Anymore  

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Mick Standing
(@mick-standing)
Active Member
Joined: 2 months ago
Posts: 12
10/08/2019 10:40 pm  

I Don’t Hear My Laugh Anymore

 

V1

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

This world has taken it away

On the wind it flutters

Until I find another way

 

V2

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Time has beaten it around

It rolled to the outfield

Along with the lost and found

 

Chorus

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Ever since you died

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Because I hide

 

V3

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

And it’s been so many years

I won’t see you again

Always brings me to tears

 

Bridge

If only, if only, if only

Rattles round my brain

If only cries out to me

On the loneliest train

 

Chorus

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Ever since you died

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Because I hide


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
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Joined: 5 months ago
Posts: 79
11/08/2019 6:29 am  

Interesting poetry, to read on the printed page. The hammering home of the title Line is very effective. That title Line is very strong emotionally too, the idea that a person doesn't hear their own laugh anymore, and has noticed.
But too sad and dark for my tastes Mick. How do we sing about such despair? When a Lyric addresses such matters I always hope for some uplift in the Lyric where the Singer-Character shows strength in overcoming their despair, and moving on.
In the Chorus I wonder if getting the title Line, THE Hook, in the last Line position would be stronger.

Chorus

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Ever since you died

Because I hide

I don’t hear my laugh anymore

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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Mick Standing
(@mick-standing)
Active Member
Joined: 2 months ago
Posts: 12
11/08/2019 7:19 am  

Thanks Gary

I could add a bridge which could be a bit more uplifting and when i get around to putting music to it i will try that chorus it depends what works best and as you would know it can change.

Mick


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
Sparkly Member
Joined: 5 months ago
Posts: 79
11/08/2019 12:38 pm  

That's one of the joys of Songwriting, Song 'Crafting', tweaking words and Lines to have a different effect, to paint a different visual or emotional idea. 
The subject of death of a loved one is a delicate area, since nearly everyone has experienced it and can relate in some way. Whether they relate and come away with a positive vibration or a negative vibration is an unpredictable variant, unique as the Human mind itself. How to give them more details to lead them to the positive vibration is a challenge. If this is an actual personal experience you're writing about it might not work to adapt it to be simply a lost love, not a death. We don't 'get over' death; we simply learn to live with it. But a lost love can be dealt with, gotten 'over' to a large degree, and enable the 'moving on' of which I speak.

"I Don’t Hear My Laugh Anymore" copyright by Mick Standing

V3 (I wondered if Verse III might be better as Verse I, showing early the 'I won't see you' idea. The Singer-Character introduces the Love-Interest Character early in the story.)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

And it’s been so many years (Even after all these years. Alternative Line.)

I won’t see you again (Knowing I won't see you again,)

Always brings me to tears

V1 (Becomes Verse II? Verse III? Shifting from loss due to death to lost love might mean a cause other than 'the world' could suggest interesting ideas.)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

This world has taken it away

On the wind it flutters (Visual metaphor rather works in my mind, something black and tattered, blowing in the wind.)

Until I find another way (The 'hope' element. The Singer-Character is aware he must move on, and open to the possibility.)

Chorus

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

Ever since you died (Ever since love died)

Because I hide (All I do is hide)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

 

V2 (Becomes Verse III? The baseball metaphor works, but does it universally, even for folks not fans of the sport to 'get' the metaphor?)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

Time has beaten it around

It rolled to the outfield (Far out beyond our reach)

Along with the lost and found (Out in the lost and found)

Chorus (Oops! Left out this giving of the Chorus. Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus, Bridge/Chorus/Coda.)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

Ever since love died

All I do is hide

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

Bridge

If only, if only, if only

Rattles 'round my brain

If only cries out to me

On the loneliest train (On my lonely train. 'the' is abstract. 'my' let's the Singer-Character 'own' it.)

 

Chorus

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

Ever since love died

All I do is hide

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore
(Coda)

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

I Don't Hear My Laugh Anymore

This post was modified 1 month ago by Gary E. Andrews

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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NEIL COTTON
(@neil-cotton)
Sparkly Member
Joined: 3 months ago
Posts: 72
12/08/2019 12:52 pm  

Mick, you have a great start here 
Gary has given some excellent advice, yours to use or not


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