Carrol,

Don't know what you'd want me to do with it. Looks fine to me. Good visual furniture, relateable subject, seems to pay off in the hook. Looks like it gets in and out of the song pretty economically. I'm sure it would appeal to an older, mature audience who had been in a relationship for a while.  Seems fine to me. Get music on it to wrap around it, looks like you've got a decent song. Good job. I don't really write songs outside of my teaching or the things I'm paid for. I do offer suggestions when I see something that strikes me not quite right, but doesn't seem to be any of that here. 

MAB

Wasn't sure how well it would sing since i don't sing or play. Probably sit around collecting dust like most of my stuff.

If you'd like to see one of my songs that addresses similar subject matter, here would be what I would post:
Song is on my web site.

CLEANING UP AROUND THE HOUSE
MAB/JOHN MAISON

You and I have been burning candles at both ends
This place, is starting to show it
Laundry's piling up, there's a wine stain on the rug
We've both been too tired, and we both know it
But I've got an idea, to improve this situation
Take it room by room using our imagination

Chorus

WE'LL GET COOKING IN THE KITCHEN, STEAMY IN THE SHOWER
UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS HOUR AFTER HOUR
THERE'S A PLACE, WE MIGHT HAVE MISSED, ON OUR LIVING ROOM COUCH
OVER IN THE CORNER, SITTIN' IN A CHAIR,
TAKE EACH OTHER'S BREATH AWAY TILL WE BOTH COME UP FOR AIR,
GIVE A NEW MEANING, FOR CLEANING UP AROUND THE HOUSE

Look at that mess we made, put those dishes away
Those counters never had a chance
I'm glad we got some use out of that treadmill in our room
Lord that thing can sure move fast
It's the right time to use a little effort, time flies when you're doing it together

CHORUS

Carroll,

I personally would not do anything with a word "DANCE"  in it, because a friend of mine, STEVEN SESKIN" had a huge hit with "LIFE'S A DANCE, YOU LEARN AS YOU GO" So I would not use that particular word as to avoid confusion of that. So I would try to find a different way to say similar things. 
There are certain words I don't use, HEART, LIPS, LOVE, BEER, WHISKEY, etc. that are very overworn, because I always try to find a different way to say the same thing. I know they are used in a million songs, which is part of the problem. But particularly if a personal friend of mine has a big hit, I'll tend to avoid certain things, particularly in titles, to begin with. 

MAB

Wasn't familiar with that song but i agree it's been used a lot. I just had heard this angle before. Ah well, as you say Next!

Well it really is about more than putting romance back into a relationship. I've about beat that horse to death. Its about how with time together we know each others moves and moods as well as we know our own.

That's correct. That is why it is relatable. And using the visual imagery you are doing, makes it where the listener can visulize what is going on in the scenes you are painting. That is "SHOW, NOT TELL." The overall theme about putting passion or romance back into a relationship is the most important thought and you write to the hook on that. Everything you are doing in the rest of the song is writing to that hook.

Did a good job on that one. I wouldn't touch it. Just get music to it and seems like you have a good song. I would ask one question though. It is intentional to have her "putting the dress on" in one verse and having her take it off in the next verse?" If it is, that is fine. Just wondering. Overall, it;s one of the more realistic things I've seen you write. Of course, I don't see everything you write, just things you post, and ask for comments on. So if you do more of that, fine, I just haven't seen it. I was drawn to this one because you mentioned my name in the title of the post.

MAB

"LIFE'S A DANCE" was one of the last times I heard the word "DANCE" in a song that was a hit. It was late 90's or early 2000's for JOHN MICHAEL MONTGOMERY. Was a very big hit and again, is played quite often on classic hit radio. 

As I was typing this, I remembered a song I wrote decades ago called "I JUST WANT TO DANCE WITH YOU" that I wrote with John Ford Colley, who was in the 70's band, "ENGLAND DAN AND JOHN FORD COLLEY." I remembered that even then I didn't care for the word "DANCE." Don't really know why. Probably due to the fact that Dancers and I have never gotten  a long. I have a couple of chipped teeth due to dancers, knocking my microphone into my mouth when they would bump into my mic stand, and hit me in the mouth. So I've never been the biggest fan of dancers. That could have something to do with it. 

So it's probably not so much your song as it is my own personal predilection against the word.

MAB

Carroll, I have a little time in between appointments today. If you'd like, I'll take a swing at giving you some music. May not work, but you never know. PM me with an email address and I'll send you what I do. Might rearrange a couple words. If you like it, you can post it.

MAB

Appreciate it! Carrollgkiphen@ live.com

I've got two left feet so not my favorite thing either. Sure helps with the girls though.

I'm looking forward to hearing this collaboration.

Interesting list of words you would never use, MAB. I would agree with all of them in almost all circumstances and add the word "pain." If someone has to tell me they are in pain by just using the word instead of showing it or making me feel it, I pretty much know it's more likely to be a whine festival than a song I want to hear. 

Gavin,

I don't know how much it will be, don't know what Carroll likes, and don't do a lot of outside writing, but I'll give it a whirl in between appointments today and see if I can do something interesting. Maybe he'll like it.

Most of the things I avoid are pretty obvious, and are things I hear ALL THE TIME. When you are constantly around songs and songwriters, you just hear the same things over and over and over. So there are titles, words, phrases, cliche's, etc. that I'll just stay away from the beginning. If it is a big hit within say the past 5 years, I'll steer away from it. If it is an "ICONIC" song (something that is played on classic hits radio, in commercials, movies, etc that is in the "public consciousness" all the time, I'll avoid it. If there is a "shelf life" on it, say a current event, wars, police killings, gang violence, shootings, technology changes, earthquakes, floods, etc .or sports team winning, etc. I generally will avoid that, because songwriters write what they see, and if you are seeing something and trying to write it, thousands of others are too. We all end up writing about the same thing, and in the 24 hour news cycle, what is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THE MOMENT, is a trivia question the next day. 

It puts a lot of restrictions on you, which is why in most cases, I am writing the REALITY of things that are going on in their lives. I also work almost 100% on other people's ideas or life experiences, tying them in with elements of my own, it will mean something to them that is important. There are rhymes I avoid because they are done so often:

HEART-APART
EYE'S-REALIZE
ABOVE-LOVE
TRUE-BLUE

It sometimes varies and there are more, but these are pretty much always my standards.

When it comes to something like "PAIN" I don't DO NEGATIVE. In any way, shape or form. Since negative, angry, bitter, frustration, are the first things most writers will go for, I will avoid those as well, since they just don't stand out. An average writers night here feature 25-35 writers doing between 2 and 4 songs each. That can be upwards of 100-110 songs a night. Out of those there will be 85-90% of songs that are negative, angry, bitter, depressing. So there is no where to go with it.

A few years back I had four writing appointments in a five day period. Each one were middle aged women wanting to write songs about their DEAD FATHERS. I called it "DEAD DADDY WEEK."

In each case, I tried to find a "rope of hope" in. One woman's father had been very abusive. He was verbally and sometimes physically to her, her mother and other members of her family. It was a giant weight on her. So we aimed the song at what she "learned NOT TO DO" from that man. She had learned what she DIDN'T want and her life was pretty good since.

One's father had died to early from a traffic accident. That was about thanking her Dad for the time's they did have and what she remembered.
Another was that she felt her Father did so many good things, WWII veteran, etc, and she just wanted to thank him. 

In all cases, it was about what were the lessons they learned and how they used those in their modern day lives. 

ROPE OF HOPE. 

So I hope that explains some of my personal approaches on songwriting. Doesn't always work but I try to use them as a guide more times than not.

MAB

• Don't worry about trying to please me. Do what you think the listeners want to hear. I'm not a musician so i don't try to control that side of it.