Hey Carroll,
this is very well-structured. I haven't composed a tune in ages. If you don't mind I'd like to give this one a try.

All the best

Robert

Sounds good to me Robert. Looking forward to it!

thanks

Hey Carroll,
what do think about this tune? I personally think that it's very catchy. I added the pre-chorus that you sent me. Hope you like it. 

https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13913617

BORN WITH THE BLUES
Lyrics: Carroll Kiphen
Music: Robert Baitinger


Verse:
The old man bent a note so hard
His guitar screamed in pain
He sang like a woman kept his heart
Locked on a ball and chain
He had a shot glass on his finger
That he used for a slide
It wouldn’t have shocked me to see some tears
Fall while his guitar cried

Pre-chorus:
Weathered persecution
Discrimination and hate
Lived thru segregation
Tolerance came too late

Chorus:
They said his name was Elmore
Wasn’t like me or you
He sang the song of his people
He was born with the blues

Verse:
He didn’t look like no messiah
That bar room weren’t no church
But the message he preached hit the heart
Everyone felt the hurt

Pre-chorus:
Weathered persecution
Discrimination and hate
Lived thru segregation
Tolerance came too late

Chorus:
They said his name was Elmore
Wasn’t like me or you
He sang the song of his people
He was born with the blues

Bridge:
Didn’t need no choir to back him up
Not how he played guitar
It wasn’t an offering plate they passed
Just an old mayo jar

Chorus
Chorus

Born with the blues
Born with the blues

All the best
Robert

Robert's right. It's a great lyric, very visual. I like the feeling of the tune, but do you  think it might be better if the chorus was more distinguishable from the verse? There's the occasional piece of unnatural sounding phrasing, but those wrinkles could easily be ironed out. Nice!

@robbi

Lovely melody.

https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v4/player.cfm?songID=13913957

Hey Gavin,
there are definitely a lot of things that can be improved. It starts with the instrumentation and continues with the singing (vocals). Everybody who has produced and mixed a track knows that you listen to the song countless times over and over again in the process. As a result I can't get the chorus melody of this one out of my head anymore. Over here we say it's stickier than dog poop. It's good when that happens.

All the best
Robert

www.robertbaitinger.de

Hey Tony,
cool guitar playing ... 🙂

All the best
Robert

@japov

Cool take. I know the structure of the lyrics don't fit a blues song. Would take quite a bit of a re write

.

Here's a suggested change for the lyric. Instead of "It wouldn’t have shocked me to see tears," how about "For a moment I thought I saw a tear." More immediate and visual. Just a thought.

@gavin

Which do you want to go with Rob?

Hi Carroll,
I like Gavin's suggestion. You're the lyricist, you decide.

All the best
Robert

Im all about making the song better so count me in.

Gavin's comment that a more distinguishable chorus might sound better kept going through my head these past weeks. I was alway contemplating what had to be changed. Well, in the end I didn't change anything. A great singer (Ian Jenkins) made a huge difference. And I also played around with additional instruments. So now I had two versions: my original piano-only track with a great vocal and a second one as a full band version with the exact same vocal and piano track. I'll leave it up to you to decide which one is better and if the chorus still not distinguishable?

Piano version:
https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13933376

Full band version:
https://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13913617

Btw, this is my first blues track.

All the best
Robert

www.robertbaitinger.de