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"About you"


MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 47
Topic starter  

Hi guys, 

a couple of month ago I started working on a new song. Melody came really quickly... another time I experienced some troubles to write some fitting lines. I am not a lyricist :). I´ve recorded the music to it this week, before I do my vocal draft I thought it might be a good idea to post my idea of the lyrics, maybe to guys have one or two ideas. Would be more then lovely and extremely welcome 🙂 

 

About you

Well the music sheet is filled with empty lines
And the words inside me, barely rhyme. 
I have to admit it was never easy for me
To find words for a non-existing melody

Sometimes the drums come in a little out-of-time
And my Base-Guitar playes an awkward line
The piano is lost in the music room
And the voice is a bit out of tune

So some ideas stay what they are
Some develop to songs
Most of them are never heard
By anyone

Sometimes I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about
And the only thing I see is your face in the crowd
Then I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song about you
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song about you

 

 

This topic was modified 6 years ago by MartinG

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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JAPOV
(@japov)
Noble Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 1148
 

Well, I'd say those last lines are definitely the chorus! Perhaps a verse about the banality of life and lack of inspiration until you’re on stage?  🙂

https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandid=1449856


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 47
Topic starter  

Hi Tony, 

thank you for stopping by and looking over the lyrics :). 

 

This morning I´ve recorded some Scratch-Vocals for the song, so maybe to have a better guess of what I'm trying to do. 
Right now I'm asking myself if I should add something to the part after the vocal... when the guitar-solo starts... something... ah. Don't know. No idea yet... but I will defiantly get rid off the 2nd singing part... 🙂

https://soundcloud.com/user-784261513/about-you-scratch-version

 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 340
 

Oops! Premature post! I wasn't finished with suggestions for an edited format. I wonder how long it will be if you use this Structure. More edits: more 'MY' to let the Singer-Character 'own' more.

Song About You
(Verse I)

MY music sheet is filled with empty lines
The words inside me, barely rhyme. 
I have to admit it was never easy for me
To find words for a non-existing melody

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about 
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
(Chorus Refrain)
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You

Sometimes MY drums come in a little out-of-time
And my BASS-Guitar plays an awkward line
MY piano is lost in the MIXING room
And MY voice MAY SOUND a bit out of tune

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (You could write new Lines for these first two, intending them as part of the preceding Verse)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You

(Bridge)

Some OF MY ideas stay what they are
Some develop INto songs
Most of them are never heard
By anyone

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (Two new Lines?)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I write one more Song About You

(Coda)
In the Coda you might delete the word 'And' and get a smoother prosody, just singing, "I write one more Song About You."

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 340
 

Oops! Premature post! I wasn't finished with suggestions for an edited format. I wonder how long it will be if you use this Structure. More edits: more 'MY' to let the Singer-Character 'own' more.

Song About You
(Verse I)

MY music sheet is filled with empty lines
The words inside me, barely rhyme. 
I have to admit it was never easy for me
To find words for a non-existing melody

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about 
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
(Chorus Refrain)
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You

Sometimes MY drums come in a little out-of-time
And my BASS-Guitar plays an awkward line
MY piano is lost in the MIXING room
And MY voice MAY SOUND a bit out of tune

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (You could write new Lines for these first two, intending them as part of the preceding Verse)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You

(Bridge)

Some OF MY ideas stay what they are
Some develop INto songs
Most of them are never heard
By anyone

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (Two new Lines?)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I remember the one thing, that gives me a clue
And I write one more Song About You
I write one more Song About You

(Coda)
In the Coda you might delete the word 'And' and get a smoother prosody, just singing, "I write one more Song About You."

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 47
Topic starter  

Hi Gary, 

thank you so much for your suggestions... the structure you've provided looks interesting. So If I don't get it wrong, you are suggesting to "go" for a real chorus, musicly and leave the Verse-Verse-Bridge-Verse-Solo-Coda... structure and move to a Verse-Pre-Chorus-Chorus-Verse-PC-Chorus-Bridge-Chorus-Coda? 

In this chase I´ll have to come up with a chorus... (or at least a new pre chorus to bring in a little bit more interesting parts...) 🙂 

I guess. But it sounds interesting... cool... 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 340
 

I think you have a Refrain-Type Chorus, Martin, as opposed to a Stanza-Type Chorus.
The Chorus Refrain ends each Verse, a style common in folk and blues.
The gist of the story is that the Singer-Character writes another Song about the Love-Interest Character.
That's the main idea, so that's THE Hook, the title.
You could consider the two Lines preceding it as a Pre-Chorus. You could write different Lines for each Pre-Chorus.
Or it may work with the same Lines, which tends more toward a Stanza-Type Chorus. 
I think the Structure is strategic, getting the Chorus Refrain and THE Hook more prominently featured, and repeated.

This Structure 'hits' THE Hook early in the Song, under the 'rule/tool', "Don't bore us! Get to the Chorus!"
And it 'hits' THE Hook twice in each giving of the Chorus, and more in the Coda, enough to drive that idea home to the listener.

This Structure may suggest some variations in the Melody, more emotion in the Pre-Chorus, implying the coming of the Chorus and THE Hook, to emphasize that this IS the Chorus, and this IS THE Hook. This is the main point of the story so the Singer-Character sings with more emotion.

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Noble Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 1007
 

I think Gary is definitely right. This song is not about not being able to write. It's about not being able to write without the inspiration she provides. That's the central idea. Having said that, it works in your original form too, taking longer to build to the main message. Whichever way you go, here are some suggestions below. I used Gary's version, but they would work just as well with the original. The biggest change I made is the hook itself. I think "Another Song About You" works better and is nicer to sing with its three syllables. It could also be a good tittle. Aside form that, it's mostly a couple of internal rhymes and more natural English.

Another Song About You
(Verse I)

MY music sheet is filled with empty lines
The words inside me, barely rhyme.
I guess you can see it isn't easy for me
Finding words for a non-existent melody

I feel a kinda lost with nothing to write about
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd

(Chorus Refrain)
And there is the clue that tells me just what to do
And I write another Song About You
Yes, right on cue, I know just what to do
And I write another Song About You

Sometimes MY drums come in a little out-of-time
And my BASS-Guitar plays an awkward line
MY piano is lost in the MIXING room
And MY voice MAY SOUND a bit out of tune

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (You could write new Lines for these first two, intending them as part of the preceding Verse)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
And there is the clue that tells me just what to do
And I write another Song About You
Yes, right on cue, I know just what to do
And I write another Song About You

(Bridge)
Some OF MY ideas stay what they are
Some may grow into songs
Most of them are never heard
By anyone

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (Two new Lines?)
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
And there is the clue that tells me just what to do
And I write another Song About You
Yes, right on cue, I know just what to do
And I write another Song About You

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 47
Topic starter  

Hi Gary and Gavin, 

thank you again and sooo much for your help. You both are soooo helpful. Wow. Now I´ve been thinking about what Gary just said regarding the new structure. This weekend I had time to start again 🙂 with recording. So, I used the old lyrics, not because I did not like your suggestions, it was just to focus on the new parts (new song structure) and singing something I was familiar with. Have to do another take with the lyrical changes ..

I bought myself a new Microphone 🙂

Well, for me the song worked better with the structure Verse/Pre-Chorus/Chorus, Verse/Bridge/Verse/Pre-Chorus/Chorus/Solo/Coda
Why? Because Chorus and Bridge are too similar 🙂 the Bridge does not really fit in.. but for me, the Bridge is the centre-piece of this song 🙂 

Thank you Gavin, gosh, I received your suggestions via E-Mail and it looks like I did not stop by here to say thank you. I am so sorry 🙁

THANK YOU GARY AND GAVIN. Thank you a thousand times!!

So, we can do it this way?

Another Song About You
(Verse I)

MY music sheet is filled with empty lines
The words inside me, barely rhyme.
I guess you can see it isn't easy for me
Finding words for a non-existent melody

I feel a kinda lost with nothing to write about
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd

(Chorus Refrain)
And there is the clue that tells me just what to do
And I write another Song About You

Sometimes MY drums come in a little out-of-time
And my BASS-Guitar plays an awkward line
MY piano is lost in the MIXING room
And MY voice MAY SOUND a bit out of tune

(Bridge)
Some OF MY ideas stay what they are
Some may grow into songs
Most of them are never heard
By anyone

(Verse)

I feel a kinda lost with nothing to write about
The only thing I see is your face in the crowd
And there is the clue that tells me just what to do
And I write another Song About you

Pre-Chorus
So Gavin would you help me please and bring in some rhymes
Because Gary suggested I need two more Lines
And I remember this one thing that gives me a clue
Because you always know what to do

 

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about (Two new Lines?)

 

That´s the new structur with old lyrics
https://soundcloud.com/user-784261513/another-song-about-you-scratch

 

OK, maybe I should forget the Bridge after the Verse thing...

This post was modified 6 years ago 2 times by MartinG

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 47
Topic starter  

On 2nd thought. I´ll keep it the way it was, so in the original structure with a few minor changes. 

Like... "drums roll in"... "finding words" and so on... 🙂 

But thank you guys. 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Noble Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 1478
 

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about.

My inspiration must have left with you.

I'm left searching the shelves for old memories.

writing melodies that sound a bit confused.

carroll kiphen


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Noble Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 1478
 

I feel a bit lost with nothing to write about.

My inspiration must have left with you.

I'm left searching the shelves for old memories.

writing melodies that sound a bit confused.

carroll kiphen


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 340
 

A Bridge 'device' comes after a Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus Structure, to supply Change to break the pattern of Repetition, lest a third Repeat become monotonous and lose listeners to other thoughts. If you put it before the second giving of the Chorus it becomes a third Melody listeners have to assimilate into all that has come before, and may be too much Change, not enough Repetition to supply Structure. The elusive concept of 'enough', 'not enough', 'too much'.
Here's a simplified version to try.

One More Song About You
(Verse I)

My music sheet fills, with empty lines.
The words inside me, barely rhyme. 
I have to  admit, it's never easy for me.
To find words, for elusive melodies.

I feel a bit lost. What can I write about? 
I only see, your face in the crowd.
(Chorus Refrain)
You're the one thing, that gives me a clue.
I write One More Song About You.
I write One More Song About You.

(Verse II)

Sometimes my drums, come in out-of-time.
My bass guitar, plays an awkward line.
My piano is lost, in the mixing room.
The voice in my head's, a bit out of tune.

I feel a bit lost. What can I write about? 
I only see, your face in the crowd.
You're the one thing, that gives me a clue.
I write One More Song About You.
I write One More Song About You.

(Bridge)

My song ideas have come and gone.
They'll never be heard by anyone.
I strum the chords, missing my muse.
I write One More Song About You.

I feel a bit lost. What can I write about? 
I only see, your face in the crowd.
You're the one thing, that gives me a clue.
I write One More Song About You.
I write One More Song About You.

(Coda)
I write One More Song About You.
I write One More Song About You.

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Noble Member
Joined: 7 years ago
Posts: 1478
 

Like it!

carroll kiphen


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