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13/03/2019 2:50 pm
Aaaand one more 😛 This one’s got a sort of ska feel to it.
https://soundcloud.com/user-804172376-210408674/the-troposphere
The Troposphere
When I grow up I think I’d like to learn to fly
Then I’d always be on time because I’d never stand in line
And I’d never have some place to be
Except of course the sky
And I’d never have to fall until the day in which I die
When I grow up I wanna go another way
Find some birds of a feather and we’ll fly away
And we’ll only flock together ‘til one day I fly away
Cuz even if I fly away I’d wanna fly back home someday
The only problem is I’m never gonna see the day
If I haven’t grown up yet I’ll never grow up anyway
I’m already twenty six so I’d say it’s safe to say
The troposphere’s the only place I’m ever gonna rest my case
When I grow up I wanna live in space
I wanna make new friends with an alien race
I wanna get a place on mars with a sprawling martian yard
Where my Martian dog can play and I can park my Martian car
When I grow up I wanna go another way
Score some high-grade liquid hydrogen and fly my ship away
And boldly wander off someplace nobody thought to go
And when I’m done I wanna take a wormhole home
The only problem is I’m never gonna see the day
If I haven’t grown up yet I’ll never grow up anyway
I’m already twenty six so I’d say it’s safe to say
The troposphere’s the only place I’m ever gonna rest my case
This topic was modified 7 years ago by Songwriter Junction
https://m.soundcloud.com/rhys-rj-fraser/sets/on-a-song-that-i-wrote
YrralMallik liked
Topic starter
13/03/2019 5:09 pm
Idk how to edit a post here, but that link’s dead. Cleaned up the solo and whatnot. Here’s the new one. https://soundcloud.com/user-804172376-210408674/the-troposphere
https://m.soundcloud.com/rhys-rj-fraser/sets/on-a-song-that-i-wrote
13/03/2019 8:08 pm
Rhys, I edited your original post for you to show the correct link. (As an administrator, I can do that for others). You should be able to edit your own posts by clicking the little Edit button at the bottom of your post.
13/03/2019 8:20 pm
I always like your lyrics, Rhys. They're quirky in a good way. You deliver them so fast, though, that a lot of the images you conjure up just get lost. For instance...
I wanna get a place on mars with a sprawling martian yard
Where my Martian dog can play and I can park my Martian car...
...is a nice image, but the listener has no time to enjoy it if he/she wants to keep up with the song. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to slow it down a bit. This would also free up the melody that's lurking under there.
I've noticed that a lot os songs on the radio have verses that are half sung, half spoken, kind of like your style, but then shift to a strongly contrasting chorus, which is more melodic, with notes that are held. Have you thought of doing something like that. It would add variety and feel contemporary.
Good one!
I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com
13/03/2019 8:48 pm
Hello Rhys,
Good to have you here, Welcome. I believe you have created your own niche and following. I like your style of writing because it is so different. Lots of good imagery in this song, however it takes more than one listen to take it all in, definitely not for the hip hopers. Thank you for sharing, good luck and best wishes,
Speak soon
Music is an international language, say it with a song. deaconmusic4u@gmail.com
Topic starter
14/03/2019 2:32 pm
Hey folks, thanks a lot for the feedback! As always, much appreciated. I like the idea of working the chorus into something more melodic, would break things up a little better for sure. As far as the speed, I think I’d like to get my vocals to a point where the point can be communicated eventually, though I’m not sure I’m even able to write with the requisite concisn (if that’s a word) to communicate a song on one listen. I think I’ve made my peace with that. 😛 Anyways, I’ll keep tinkering with it. Thanks for the comments, and thanks Gavin for setting this sure up. Glad to be here! Cheers
https://m.soundcloud.com/rhys-rj-fraser/sets/on-a-song-that-i-wrote
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