(Stop me) When I'm ...
 

(Stop me) When I'm leaving (work in progress....) (and stuck)  

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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
26/09/2019 5:22 pm  

Hi, 

well I was away for a while :(. Today I played around on my piano and had an idea for a song. Well, the music came really quickly, the lyrics for the chorus and the pre-chorus was there in the blink of an eye.... now I am sitting here for hours thinking about some words for the verse. I had a couple of ideas, but to tell the truth... they all suck :). The funny thing is. I kept the verse very short (only 4 lines, it matches with the music) ... still I have problems to find some words.... no, no, I will never became a lyricist. 

So, don't know, I am not looking to Gavin in any direction or to anyone else... :)... heeeellllppppp!! pls. 

 

 

Stop me when I´m leaving

 

(verse)

Sometimes I need a little phantasy
That´s when things turn out, to get complicated
Then I need nothing but your lifelong sympathy
That´s when it all starts, to get frustrated

(pre-chorus)

And so I start hiding
in some godforsaken place
Finding out that I need a little space.

(chorus)

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When the fool inside me doesn´t know what to do

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

Sometimes I need a little harmony
But somehow, it´s all getting out of control
So I start to play that I act carefully
But don´t blame me, you´re the same kind of soul

And so I start hiding
in some godforsaken place
Telling myself that I need a little space

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When the fool inside me doesn´t know what to do

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

 

(Bridge)
Flying higher from the ground to the sky

 

(Chrous)

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When the fool inside me doesn´t know what to do

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

 

This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by MartinG

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
26/09/2019 5:50 pm  

I saw you looking at me, Martin Good to see you back here.

I think this is really good. You are right - the chorus and pre-chorus are fine as they are. I'll try to help a little with the verses. When you say "Phantasy," do you mean in the German sense of "Phantasie," which  is usually better translated as imagination?

Can you tell me what you are trying to say with this verse? I don't really get it.

Sometimes I need a little phantasy
That´s when things turn out, to get complicated
Then I need nothing but your lifelong sympathy
That´s when it all starts, to get frustrated

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
26/09/2019 5:57 pm  

Gavin, thank you. I have no idea what I was trying to say. I am so frustrated that I cannot even write a 4-line-verse ..in the end I was just trying to come up with some rhymes at the end 🙂 

Best thing would be to find a connection to the Pre-Chorus and the Chorus... ya know, he is frustrated, so he is hiding away at some place claiming a wish (only to find someone to hold him back when he is leaving...)... but why is that so? that should be in the verse... but ...huh.... 

Hmm... I can replace the word "phantasy" with "honesty"? 🙂 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
26/09/2019 6:23 pm  

This might work, although maybe not, if your melody calls for a 3 syllable word at the end of lines 1 and 3.

V1

Sometimes I think I need to get away
When everything around me gets so complicated
Then when I need you to take my hand and say,
"I understand. You know, we all get frustrated."

V2

Sometimes I find myself forgetting why I stayed
And it feels like it´s all getting out of control
Then when I need you to take my hand and say,
"You and I, we are the same kind of soul."

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
27/09/2019 11:15 am  

Thank you sooooo much Gavin. Well, to be honest - gosh. I was trying to find four bloody lines for several hours and I could not make it. And you fixed my mess in half an hour. Thank you! You are a genius. You should write all my lyrics in the first place... 🙂 

You are the best. Wow.... 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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YrralMallik
(@yrralmallik)
Eminent Member
Joined: 5 months ago
Posts: 43
27/09/2019 11:18 am  

(Bridge)
Flying higher from the ground to the sky

Just to get by you know I can't lie.

 

Larry G. Killam


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
27/09/2019 12:47 pm  

@marting

Well, it's a lot easier when it's in your native language 🙂 I've tried writing lyrics in other languages and never even got to the end of a song.

Actually, there's a mistake in my suggestion. I was lazy copying and pasting.

"Then when I need you to take my hand and say" should be "That's when I need you to take my hand and say."

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
07/10/2019 11:02 am  

Hi guys, 

I am still working on my little song here and I am in the process of trying to record a demo. Vocals are still not good, but you can get an idea. 
One or two lines were a bit to long, so I had to cut a little bit out of it. I think I made a mess. Thank you Gavin 🙂 

So, first try:

V1

Sometimes I think I need to get away
When everything around me gets complicated
When I need you to take my hand and say,
"Its ok,  we all get frustrated."

And so I start hiding
in some godforsaken place
Telling myself I need a little space

I only wanna find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When the fool inside me doesn´t know what to do

I only wanna find someone
who never stops believing
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

V2

I find myself forgetting why I stayed
When it seems like, getting all out of control
When I need you to take my hand and say,
"You and I, we are the same kind of soul.

And so I start hiding
in some godforsaken place
Telling myself that I need a little space

I only want to find someone
who stops me when I am leaving
When the fool inside me doesn´t know what to do

I only want to find someone
who never stops believing
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you
When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you

 

(Bridge)
Flying higher from the ground to the sky

 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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YrralMallik
(@yrralmallik)
Eminent Member
Joined: 5 months ago
Posts: 43
07/10/2019 11:05 am  

Sounds fine to me.

Larry G. Killam


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
07/10/2019 11:54 am  

This sounds great. Really great. I don't think it needs much in the way of changes. Here are a few suggestions:

1. I think you could go up at the end of the last line of the verses, e.g. on the word "soul" " "You and I, we are the same kind of soul." I'm not sure about that though. It sounds perfectly good as it is. Go with your instinct.

2. This has an English feel to it. It reminds me a little of Squeeze. It's a small thing, but your pronunciation of "god" in "godforsaken" is very American (more gad than god). It sounds a little strange, since the rest is sung in a very natural English accent.

3. This line is too long, and you are obviously having some difficulty fitting it in. "When it seems like, getting all out of control." You might try "When it seems like I'm losing control" or "When I'm spinning out of control." The second option would work well with a slight pause between "spinning" and "out."

4. I prefer  "When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it was you" to what you sing: "When you´re gone I´ll maybe find out it's you." To me it's more moving - she's gone, he was foolish and didn't see what he had until it was too late.

5. The bridge is nicely produced, but it doesn't seem to add anything to the song. There's an honest simplicity to the rest of it and then suddenly this heavy effect. Also the words of that line don't make any sense to me within the context of the song. That space might be better occupied by a guitar solo. What do others think?

6. Try pronouncing "ok" with slightly more stress on "o" so that there is almost equal stress on the two syllables. It would sound more natural. The fact that I'm pointing out a little detail like this shows how good I think the song is. 🙂

 

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
08/10/2019 3:36 am  

Thank you so much Gavin, you are very helpful. I try to work on what you have suggested. My austrian accent is a bit weird :).

I was trying to learn the lyrics by heart and sing it without a print-out-sheet. So I guess I forgot the "it was you". I am not a native in english, so I never know if a line is correct or not ... so thank you very much for helping me.

It is good that you check and double check 🙂

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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Robbi
(@robbi)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 20
09/10/2019 7:24 am  

Hey Martin,
the song is great. Very catchy. Try shortening the second line of each verse a bit. Rephrase those lines and take a word or two out. That will improve the flow. You should also try to come up with a second line in the bridge.

All the best
Robert


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MartinG
(@marting)
Eminent Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 22
09/10/2019 12:49 pm  

Thank you Robert for your input. I think I get what you are saying. It would be easy to cut the "only" ... but on the other hand it might be better to cut a word of the 2nd part of the line... the "who" for example. My original line was "who holds me back when I'm leaving" ... so with the "stops me" I already tried to fix the issue that you've pointed out... 

I wonna find someone who stops me from leaving? No that not english at all. 

I wonna find one to stop me from leaving? hmmm uh, its getting worth. 

No wait, I know what to do: Gavin? 🙂 

Every once in a while I get in the mood or so... and start to play...


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ckiphen
(@ckiphen)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 386
09/10/2019 9:50 pm  
I gave this a listen and i relly like it. Kudos.

carroll kiphen


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Gavin
(@gavin)
Honorable Member
Joined: 7 months ago
Posts: 408
10/10/2019 11:53 pm  

@marting

I think Robert was referring to the second line of the verse. These lines are:

When everything around me gets complicated

and

When it seems like, getting all out of control

I would definitely change the second one, as I suggested above to "When I'm spinning out of control." I would leave the first one. I think it sounds great as it and adds a little variety.

I wouldn't change the lines that you seem to be worrying about: 

I only wanna find someone
who stops me when I am leaving

They sound great.

I may or may not be an enigma
http://mysteriousbeings.com


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