Hello Gav,

This is a little different from your normal style but I like it, well written.  Now I know most writers don't prefer to use "just", but I wonder if "just" might work at the end of the verse.  "Built my hopes upon my dreams, just to watch them fall".   Looking forward to hearing the finished version.   Thank you for sharing, good luck and best wishes,

Speak soon 

Yes I like it too. Well written!

Whoa! Gavin! This one is really good. I strongly urge you to tighten this one up and pitch it. TOTALLY get the pop ballad side of it. Definite commercial appeal. The strongest part is the second verse imo: 

"How many castles did I try to build you

Hoping you’d choose to live in one of them?

How many dragons did I slay

Till one came and carried you away?

Left me standing in my rusty armor

Upon those crumbling castle walls

Built my hopes upon my dreams

And watched them fall"

Brilliant imagery. In editing this one, I'd look at the first verse to bring it up to the brilliance of the second. For starters, the first two lines are cliche (and yet verse two is anything but cliche). You need to start the song off strong so that punters hang around for the jewel in the middle.  🙂

Thanks guys. Jen, I get what you're saying. I'll let verse 1 slop around in my brain for a little while and see what I can come up with.

Wow Gavin. Very cool. You have to do something with these.

Yes  I like this also certainly worth continuing Nice one Gavin and Jenny's got some great

pointers  there

Well written. Looking forward to listen to the melody.

Suggestion: more use of the hook title "Over Now" in the chorus?

Have fun!

OK, here it is again with a new first verse. Thoughts?

OVER NOW

How many times did I set out to find it?

The key that would unlock your heart

You asked for diamonds. I dug you a mine but

In my hands you saw only dirt

Now there's nothing I can do to change it

Nothing I can do at all

I built my hopes upon my dreams

And watched them fall

CHORUS

And it’s over now

What’s done ... can’t be undone

For one of us, something's ended

And for one something’s just begun

And there you are

With a tear in your eye

For a moment I think that you might stay

You turn and say, “Goodbye.”

How many castles did I try to build you

Hoping you’d choose to live in one of them?

How many dragons did I slay

Till one came and carried you away?

Left me standing in my rusty armor

Upon those crumbling castle walls

Where I built my hopes upon my dreams

And watched them fall

CHORUS

INSTRUMENTAL BREAK

CHORUS

Loving it! Can't wait to hear the finished song.

Hi Gavin, 

I'll give you a surprise since I'm daring, today I make a suggestion. After reading your lyrics I think that the meaning you could give to this phrase is this "Built my hopes upon my dreams    But watched them fall "

hahaha 

What do you think?

Thanks Mora. Interesting that you and Deacon both made a suggestion for exactly the same part of the lyric. I'll think about your suggestion. For some reason, to me it feels like "and" conveys a sense of inevitability more strongly than "but." It also feels like it would be more satisfying to sing, but that's just a weird feeling I have 🙂

"then watched them fall" ???

First verse ?

Yup. Much much better.  I like the diamond. It has given it a concrete thing for the listener to hang on to (like the castles and dragons of the second verse). Kudos Gavin.

Gavin, I thought my earlier comments were a bit harsh so I took time to read your lyric over again and recognized the guys disappointment after he tried so hard to make things work.  Your song tells a story many can relate to whether in their live or someone they know.  You handled the situation well and it will make you a good song.  I'm not sure whether a "love gone wrong" type song would interest a music town like Nashville because they have millions of them already in the vault.  However that is only my guess.  The folks here really like it so I hope you finish it and make a song out of it.  

OD

OD, if I catch you one more time apologizing for offering constructive criticism on a forum made specifically for allowing people to give and receive constructive criticism, I'll talk to the admin about banning you ?

I had had some of the same thoughts. It's not sad songs per se that are the problem, but loser songs. It's OK if the protagonist has had some setbacks in love but is fighting back, or has overcome them. Just bleating about it is indeed a downer. It's not going to come across as sexy or endearing to Melissa driving to work at the dentist's office. It doesn't make the singer seem appealing to his audience. I probably will look at reworking it at some point, once it's had a while to settle in my brain. I'll probably post this version in Tune Topics to get feedback on the music and take it from there.