Gavin,

You are absolutely correct in that so many songs are WHINEY!!!! We call it "Poor poor pitiful me" syndrome. I have my own biases when it comes to song tone simply because I hear so much of it and have for so long. When someone comes up singing, posting, or writing songs that are NOT "Debbie Downer" things you stand up and take notice. It is also something in Nashville writer's nights that will make people put the cell phone down. I have a term I call songs "Glow songs" because people tune out so quickly, and pick up their cell phones. (The "Glow" is in their faces as people are on their phones instead of listening to the songs or writers. 

So yes, many suffer from Whining. If I do nothing else, pointing it out sometimes and getting people to think differently about what and how they write, would be my contribution. If I may, I'd like to post something about "SONG TONE" on the "Learning" section, when you think it would be good to post something else.

In regard to your own song, when I re-listened to what you posted here, I thought "wow, the melody really picks up nicely in the chorus. Might be nice to have a little different approach in the "lessons's learned and walk away" sort of senario. Melodies can pick up a more somber subject make it feel more positive even sometimes when it might not be positive. Maybe giving it a little distance and coming back fresh might help or even just going to another song and employ a similar technique would be a good way to look at it. 

Good to see you writing and helping build the site. Nice to be here.

Yes, I always steer clear of a whining tone (at least I think and hope I do). Even this one is about wistful regret, rather than self-pity or (God forbid!) bitterness or resentment. I tried to convey the feeling through images and avoid having the singer ever actually say he's unhappy. One red flag for me when I read a lyric is the word "pain." If someone has to use that word, it is not only a cliche, but an indication that he/she doesn't know how to show a feeling by actions, images or atmosphere rather than state it.

Show, don't tell.

I changed the last chorus in a way that,I think, gives a more satisfying ending. Still sad, but the singer wishes her well and shows he cares for her in spite of everything. Sad but not whiny. That should be my signature LOL ?  

It also ties the ending to the title and to other lines in the song.

https://soundcloud.com/themysteriousbeings/diamonds/s-2AQoa

....And here we are

Take my hand and dry your eyes

You’ll find your diamonds, build your castles

And won’t need a dragon to fly

Gavin, since I consider myself a dark woman I like sad or romantic-sad songs, with hard situations, loss, search, goodbye and hello, in short, I like that the lyrics portray the heavy colors of life because for my particular way of feel, the beauty that is born of suffering is unique.
Your coach is great, you have sung very well with a beautiful voice that gives poetry to the melody... As soon as you leave shyness aside you will discover you singing!!!!

A dark woman, Mora? Sounds intriguing ? 

The reference to a "vocal coach" is a joke. I used the Melodyne program to adjust the pitch of my voice and cover up the many bum notes. You would not want to hear it before that magic was applied!

Wow!!! I remember when I started singing, helping me with voice tune !!!