I Only Wanted You  

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Deacon
(@deacon)
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11/02/2020 11:49 pm  

I Only Wanted You       revised    lyrics and music by Ron Nelson all rights reserved

V1
You told me you don't love me.
You told me you don't care.
Read the note on your pillow.
Was more than I could bear.
Chr
The story's all wrong,
when loves already gone.
I only wanted you.
V2
You took my ring off your finger.
It took my breath away.
Left your key on the counter.
With nothing else to say.
Chr
The story's all wrong,
when loves already gone.
I only wanted you.
I only wanted you.
Br
Now I can't stop you and,
I can't make you wanna stay.
Words escape me as I,
I watch you turn and walk away.
You turn and walk away.
Chr
I only wanted you,
I only wanted you.
The story's all wrong,
when loves already gone.
I only wanted you,
I only wanted you.

Music is still being revised, will provide link once finished.  Comments welcome, suggestions welcome and will be considered, Best wishes,

Speak soon

This topic was modified 2 months ago 2 times by Deacon
This topic was modified 1 month ago by Deacon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
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13/02/2020 4:37 am  

What a great title. Hooked my interest. That's called 'hook factor'. I clicked.

I Only Wanted You       revised    lyrics and music by Ron Nelson all rights reserved
(As soon as you put Intellectual Property (IP) in 'fixed form', written or recorded, federal copyright law 'bestows' your 'right' to 'copy' it. You should put the copyright symbol, a c in a circle, or the word copyright, the date, and your name (Plus any co-writers' names.)
ONLY actual 'Registration' with the Library of Congress will get you a hearing in federal court, should some unscrupulous bastard steal your Intellectual Property, called 'Infringement', but any 'access' you give to potential thieves should contain that copyright notice, possibly creating evidence you can present in federal court where federal copyright law is heard. In court you have to prove 'access' and if you document, for example, this post on the internet, like a formal company handling its product, you could present it as evidence against the thief. Without Registration you can not get a hearing in federal court. I used to know where to find that copyright symbol. It was an alternate option under the ALT key and G key.)

Verse I
You told me you don't love me. (Some say, "Don't tell her something she knows because she was there. I wonder if 'tell' would be better than 'told'. Present tense, happening now, instead of past tense.)
You told me you don't care.
(I) Left a note on your pillow. (Where's the 'actor' to do the 'action' of the verb 'Left'? A pronoun, 'I', the Singer-Character in the Song.)
Ripped my heart from my chest. (Holy crap! Call 9-1-1! There's blood everywhere. And worse! There's no Rhyme! DOA! Find a Rhyme, and try to do it without an encounter with a bear. Maybe something to do with a chair, or a dare, a fare or fair, hair or hare, Jair Bolsonaro even, lair, mare, Nair, a Registered Trademark hair removal cream, pair or pare, rare, share, stare, spare, snare, tear, tare, there, Corvair, wear, ware. Something without spilling blood, and Rhyming, a 'tool' to make your Lyric 'memorable', easy to remember for the listener.)
Ooo! 'I left a note on your pillow. You never found it there.' He was expecting her to come back. She didn't. 

Chorus
The story's all wrong,
when love's already gone. (apostrophe 's, indicating omission of the 'i' in 'is', a 'contraction' of the two words, 'love is', like 'story's, a contraction of 'story is'. Little things matter. If a 'consumer' is 'consuming' your Song on the written page, these are the 'little things'. It may make a difference in the decision you want them to make about your Song, whether to 'consume' it with their money, or not.)
I Only Wanted You. (Great Rhyme; wrong/gone, and THE Hook, the emotional idea, the Singer-Character, speaking First Person, directly to the Love-Interest Character. Short and sweet, as they say, a short Stanza-Type Chorus, and probably well within the first 60 seconds of the Song. You've got them 'hooked'. They're paying attention. Now let's see where you take them.)
Verse II
You to ? the ring off your finger. (Dawg! You didn't proofread! So I had to interrupt my read of what you DID say, 'to the ring', to figure out what you meant to say, 'took the ring'. I like to let them 'own' things in a Lyric. 'you took MY ring' or even 'YOUR ring', is more interesting, I think, than 'the ring'. What do you think? Verse II Line 1 has one more syllable, therefore one more note to sing, than Verse I Line 1. That alters the Melody but it should still work. Ideally the Melody of VII Repeats identically to VI, or as closely to identically as possible. Repetition supplies Structure the listener can relate to. Then Change, as in the more urgent emotion of Melody/Lyric of a Chorus, renews interest.)
(You) Took my breath away. comma, (There's the missing pronoun, the actor, to do the action of the verb. Keep the kid in the picture! Syllable/note count VI Line 2 compared to VII Line 2; 6 versus 5. It can work, but with 'You took my breath away' it's 6 and 6, enabling identical Melody.)
Left your key on the counter. (See the 'possession' thing? 'your key' instead of 'the key'. Good visual actions here. Scene-setting, props on the stage, to make the listener 'see' the Characters interacting with their environment.)
With nothing else to say. (And a 'Hard Rhyme'; away/say.)
Chorus (Repeat, Structure, Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus)
The story's all wrong,
when love's already gone.
I Only Wanted You.
I Only Wanted You. (Repeating drives home the main idea, Lyrically, Melodically.)
Bridge (A device to supply Change, interrupting the Verse/Chorus, Verse/Chorus Repetition, with new, perhaps pivotal information in the storyline, a Melody of its own, unlike that of the preceding Verses and Chorus, renewing listener interest, and enabling a final giving of the Chorus.)
Now I can't stop you and,
I can't make you wanna stay.
Words escape me as I,
I watch you turn and walk away.
You turn and walk away.
Chorus (A little variation, giving THE Hook twice before the Chorus, as given twice earlier in the Song. That could be very effective. Then giving the Chorus as they heard it the first and second time, and ending with two more 'hits' on THE Hook, driving it home as the main idea, Lyrically, and the main Melodic Hook, hopefully earworming into their consciousness, having them singing it even after you stop.)
I Only Wanted You.
I Only Wanted You.
The story's all wrong,
when love's already gone.
I Only Wanted You.
I Only Wanted You.

(That's a strong seven 'hits' on THE Hook, the title, the main idea. This could work.
I like the punctuation. Commas serve the function of musical 'rests'. Periods indicate a place to breathe to sing the next Line. Question marks might inform Melody. Exclamation points, emotional urgency. Someone asked me, "What's with the punctuation?" because nobody used it in posting their Lyric.
I asked, "What's without it?")

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
13/02/2020 3:05 pm  

Hello Gary, I always love it when you critique one of my lyrics or songs, I have the utmost trust in your suggestions, whether I like them or not, and in most cases you are correct.  Looks like I will be re-evaluating this lyric, when first written it did start out as "Tell me you don't love me", it just didn't ring well, I may try;
You tell me you don't love me.
You tell me you don't care.
I read the note on your pillow.
It ripped my heart from my chest.  (gosh I love this line, it's so visual, I hate to get rid of it)

You took my ring from your finger.
You took my breath away.
You left your key on the counter.
With nothing else to say.

It sings just as well with the revised music, so I will probably run with it.

Thank You for the read and critique, it was very much appreciated, Best wishes, oh and I used to know how do the c in the circle, can't find it now,

Speak soon

This post was modified 2 months ago by Deacon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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Gary E. Andrews
(@gary-e-andrews)
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Posts: 165
13/02/2020 8:26 pm  

Yes, these are all just suggestions. There's no reason why I would be right and you would be wrong. It still comes back to your judgment as to what works, and how you want it to work. And thanks for allowing me to indulge in my sense of humor!
The chest ripping just surprised me in the very civil conversational style of the preceding Lines. The lack of Rhyme remains a problem, in my opinion. Rhyme is Rhythm, beat. When the ear trained by Nursery Rhymes and American music genres reads/hears a Lyric we spot the lack of Rhyme as much as home in on it when it IS there.
I think it's an original Hook, "I Only Wanted You", a different way of saying something about the male/female relationship. There's a sincerity that makes it real, got me to suspend disbelief in it as fiction, and perceive it as reality.
Keep exploring the possibilities. And keep on rockin'!

This post was modified 2 months ago by Gary E. Andrews

Despite 1,000's of years of Songwriting humans have not exhausted the possibilities. There will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? www.garyeandrews.com


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AllfortheLord
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Posts: 243
14/02/2020 9:28 am  

V1
You told me you don't love me.
You said I was obssessed
Left a note on your pillow.
Ripped my heart from my chest


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
17/02/2020 2:26 pm  

Hello AllfortheLord, I love your screen name by the way.  Thank you for the read, and your suggestion for line two is viable.  Still kicking ideas around on this piece, but haven't fully decided yet.  Best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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AllfortheLord
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17/02/2020 2:38 pm  

@deacon

never give up on a line you like just because someone says it wont fit, too many ways to make it fit saying the same thing or better

 


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
21/02/2020 1:03 am  

@AllfortheLord

Great advice, can change the fourth line to rhyme with the second line, or change the second line to rhyme with the fourth line, I'll work on those ideas.  Thank you and best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
21/02/2020 1:29 am  

Felt my heart start to tear (noun) instead of ripped my heart from my chest (V1 line 4)  It just came to me, hadn't had a chance to sing it yet, and I'm not sure about the double rhyme (heart start), but I'll give it a try.  Thanks all, best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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AllfortheLord
(@allforthelord)
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Posts: 243
21/02/2020 8:59 am  

try using different synonyms for words and try coming up with as many versions as you can, some words will flow off the tongue better than others so experiment when  singing them to find the right ones


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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21/02/2020 10:28 am  

@AllfortheLord

Thank you for the advice, I will give it a try and see what I come up with, your interest is much appreciated.  Best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
28/02/2020 12:57 pm  

Hello all, I believe I may have worked the first verse out;

Read the note on your pillow.
Was more than I could bear.
It said you don't love me.
It said you don't care.

It works well with the music also.  Comments and suggestions welcome, best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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AllfortheLord
(@allforthelord)
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Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 243
28/02/2020 1:04 pm  

V1
Read the note on your pillow

You told me you don't care.
You told me you don't love me.
that was more than I could bear


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Deacon
(@deacon)
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Posts: 215
28/02/2020 11:04 pm  

@AllfortheLord  Thank you for the suggestion, it could work, I'll try it with the music, much appreciated, best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.


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AllfortheLord
(@allforthelord)
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Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 243
29/02/2020 12:03 am  

Chr
The story's all wrong,
when loves all gone.
I only wanted you.

 


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